I feel numb right now.
I just saw this incredibly important person after four years of not seeing him, and this person happened to be the first person I have ever loved. Real, true love. I should be ecstatic, excited, feeling incredibly happy, but I'm numb. And that's what love does to you. It happens to the best of us, even the coldest of hearts. Even to mine.
It's not as though I expected anything to change between us. We got right back into how we were four years ago as though we had never left. I got hugged twice, and we had a nice, long twenty minute conversation. It's not as though I expected him to suddenly be single and looking, spot me across the room, and realize that he was in love with me and always has been. But a part of me wished that it did happen. And it's always the small parts of you that are the loudest.
It's true what they say that you'll never get over your first love. It's also true that you don't have to be with a person for them to break your heart. But if my heart were to shatter, it could have only been done by him. And the thing is, he probably doesn't even know it.
He still looked as beautiful as ever, and if she's the reason that stunning smile is on his face, then I won't stand in the way. It's true, I want him to be happy above everything else. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be happy either. But his happiness means more than mine right now. I wanted the pieces of our puzzle to fall together in a different way. And who knows? Maybe they will down the road. Just not now. Though I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with him. And a part of me hopes that a part of him won't lose that special feeling he had (still has?) for me.
I'm glad I saw him; I don't regret it even though I'm numb. I wanted him to see me four years down the line so when he does look back and think of me, I'm an adult and not a sixteen year old with braces. I wanted to see how he was doing. I wanted to see him. And to have him see me.
Mission accomplished.
I just hope she realizes how lucky she is to have him. As Taylor Swift said, She's got everything that I have to live without.
But I'll survive it. Somehow, I always do.
it's always the smallest parts of you that are the loudest.....
ReplyDeletei may end up stealing that one.
I really understand that. I felt it the same as you do. In my experience of my first love (Only my bff knows about my situation than my other friends.), I've been hiding my feelings to during my high school years (Even though, I haven't seen him after our high school batch reunion.).Whenever I saw him, my heart beats like crazy especially when he's near. Sometimes, I fantasize myself and him being married and having a children in the future. I always show my affections to him but he doesn't notice/return it.
ReplyDeleteI always prayed for his happiness and ended up crying whenever I remember my happiest and most painful memories of him, especially when I was about to confess to him during our junior-senior prom but I lost all my guts when he gave a bouquet of flowers to the girl he likes in front of the crowd (I thought it was for me); and asked her to dance with him. Talk about being a coward...
-thesmartygirl(fictionpress.com)
How sad. I feel for you...but you will survive. I know you will. We always do.
ReplyDeleteAnd "it's always the smallest parts of you that are the loudest....." I am so going to have to steal this.