I feel numb right now.
I just saw this incredibly important person after four years of not seeing him, and this person happened to be the first person I have ever loved. Real, true love. I should be ecstatic, excited, feeling incredibly happy, but I'm numb. And that's what love does to you. It happens to the best of us, even the coldest of hearts. Even to mine.
It's not as though I expected anything to change between us. We got right back into how we were four years ago as though we had never left. I got hugged twice, and we had a nice, long twenty minute conversation. It's not as though I expected him to suddenly be single and looking, spot me across the room, and realize that he was in love with me and always has been. But a part of me wished that it did happen. And it's always the small parts of you that are the loudest.
It's true what they say that you'll never get over your first love. It's also true that you don't have to be with a person for them to break your heart. But if my heart were to shatter, it could have only been done by him. And the thing is, he probably doesn't even know it.
He still looked as beautiful as ever, and if she's the reason that stunning smile is on his face, then I won't stand in the way. It's true, I want him to be happy above everything else. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be happy either. But his happiness means more than mine right now. I wanted the pieces of our puzzle to fall together in a different way. And who knows? Maybe they will down the road. Just not now. Though I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with him. And a part of me hopes that a part of him won't lose that special feeling he had (still has?) for me.
I'm glad I saw him; I don't regret it even though I'm numb. I wanted him to see me four years down the line so when he does look back and think of me, I'm an adult and not a sixteen year old with braces. I wanted to see how he was doing. I wanted to see him. And to have him see me.
I just hope she realizes how lucky she is to have him. As Taylor Swift said, She's got everything that I have to live without.
But I'll survive it. Somehow, I always do.