Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My Funeral

Okay, so this post might be slightly morbid, but I don't really care.

My family has experienced some death this past year, and for my twenty years, I've been to a handful of funerals.  Yes, they were all touching, and they were all probably what the people who passed might have wanted. 

But traditional funerals are definitely not my style.

Which is why I have composed a list (I love lists!) about what my funeral is going to have:

1)You're not allowed into the church unless you're wearing a costume.  Sorry, but Grieving Man or Stepford Wife won't get in, but Batman and 1920's flapper sure as hell will!  It would be like Halloween - Wouldn't it be funny if it was on Halloween?  Maybe not for those living, but for me, it would be.  I adore irony.

2)  Sorry pastors/priests/reverands/rabbis and the like, but I don't want some person who may belong to a house of worship but has no clue who I am to run this here shindig.  I'll probably have my brother run the thing.  And then each guest will have to stand up and yes, go to the front of the room, and say something about me.  It doesn't have to much, but just a memory would be cool.  Nothing sad though.

3)  The only hymn that will be sung is Disney's Candle on the Water.

4)  Pictures of things I love will be everywhere.  Which means lot and lots of Johnny Depp.  And, if I'm lucky enough, a picture of me and Johnny Depp will be floating around there somewhere.

5)  My mom (if she's still alive), if not, my husband (if I have one) will read a letter I leave behind to the audience.  But if they start crying, they have to take a shot!  Actually, if anyone starts crying, they have to take a shot of Captain Morgan (since he's a pirate).  (I'm kidding... kind of.)

6)  Before they trail over to the refreshment place, the audience will participate in the Time Warp.  And that's a wrap! 

-->  Okay, so that was the PUBLIC funeral.  My private funeral will go as follows:

1)  My ashes will be scattered across the Pacific Ocean (by way of Newport Beach) with Jack Sparrow's theme song (YOU know which one I'm talking about) playing.  No one should say anything.

I'm actually really looking forward to my funeral.  How fun it's going to be!  Too bad I can't actually be there at my own funeral.  Or can't I?


  1. Oh Heather!!! You just MUST be there so rearrange the details and make it a wedding or college graduation or something where you can join us. Besides, a costume wedding is just be WAY too cool!

  2. i would dress up as frankin furter for your funeral and, i guess, if you want it, my words will just be us in rocky horror. ah fun times fun times

  3. I so want you to plan my funeral/wedding/parties from now on. lol