Resolutions of 2009

So here were last year's resolutions.  Let's see how much I've accomplished, shall we?  (And yes, tomorrow, I'll have new ones posted.)

Resolutions of 2009

1) Finish the three stories I have started.
Yup, accomplished that.  Actually, I totally did more than that.  In 2009, I finished not only those three stories, but a total of 14 stories.  So suck on that.

2) Write poems that total 230.
I didn't actually do that, but I came close.  In my poetry folder, I have a total of 211 poems.  Poems, to me, are more difficult to write than stories because the story is smaller and I don't want to say the same thing over and over again.  Plus, they're short, and I have to be in the mood to write poetry when I'm always writing stories.

3) Give up fast food.
Oh yeah, did that.  That was a lot easier than I ever expected.  Once I make my mind up about something, it's easy to just do it if I really want to.  And I really wanted to do that.  And I did.  I think I had McDonald's once, and it tasted so greasy, so salty, so gross after being without it for so long. 

4) Collect every Johnny Depp and Christian Bale movie.
Haha, no.  Um... I'm getting there, but once I get a job (Ha!) and have extra spending money.  But I'm kind of there.


5) See Public Enemies five times in theatres! (It would be a record if I did.)
Okay I saw it four and a half times.  So I was seriously close.  And I own the DVD.  So it still kind of counts.  A little.

So I was nearly more successful than I thought.  Not because I'm not disciplined, but because my mind is always changing.  But it was a good year.  I remember it quite vividly. 

And I can't wait until 2010.

And so the lists begin...

So at the end of every year, every magazine ever makes up some lists that deal with whatever genre the magazine is.  I really don't have a genre to myself, but you now how I love to make lists...

Sexiest Man Alive:  Johnny Depp.  Duh.  But let me go into why.  Personally, I am fascinated by his face - I particularly love his nose and cheekbones.  And his smile that lights up his face.  And his eyes you can simply drown in.  But besides all of that, he is completely and utterly talented, gracious with his fans, and most of all, humble.  He's sexy because he doesn't try to be sexy.  And I am irrevockably in love with him.

Sexiest Smart Guy:  John Cusack.  If you read some of his blogs on the Huffington Post, you can immediately feel his passion.  He knows what he's talking about things.  He has an impish grin and beautiful black eyes with matching hair I wouldn't mind running my fingers through.  Plus, he's my future husband.

Sexiest Action Star:  Christian Bale.  (He was totally blackballed from People's list, can you believe it?)  He proves that it's possible for a person in Hollywood to have both good looks and talent.  He does his own stunts (most of the time) and infuses depth in his characters.  And have you seen those arms?  Damn!

Sexiest Badass:  Clint Eastwood.

Sexiest Dancer:  Christopher Walken.

Sexiest Doctor:  Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House.

Sexiest Crime Fighter:  Mark Harmon as Leroy Jethro Gibbs.

Sexiest Accent:  Gerard Butler.

Sexiest Bond:  Daniel Craig.

Sexiest Troublemaker:  Johnny Knoxville.

Sexiest Rapper:  Eminem.

Sexiest Double-Timer:  Joel McHale.

Sexiest Brat Packer:  Judd Nelson.

Sexiest Ghost:  Heath Ledger.

Sexiest Darcy:  Matthew Macfadyen. 

Boys, boys, boys

Since the year is coming to a close, and because it is only natural to want to look back at what was in terms of what will be, I decided to indulge my analytical mind but only if it would compromise and let me think about boys.  Because I do so love thinking about them and won't resist any excuse to do just that.

But instead of focusing on merely this past year, I have decided to look back on my entire life and see the conclusion of which I have so recently drawn.

True, I have only been in one serious relationship that lasted for about a year and a half, but I felt I learned a whole helluva lot from it.  There are certain qualities that I have consistently desired in a potential boyfriend - we have the usual trust, honesty, mutual respect, and support.  Then there are my preferences - a sense of humor, intelligence and wit, good teeth, tall...  The list goes on and on.

But the biggest quality I find I am very attracted to is ambition.  I like it when a guy knows what he wants and goes after it, who doesn't cheat himself of his full potential.  This, of course, can lead to arrogance or confidence depending on the guy, traits I don't generally mind unless he's a complete dick about himself.  But I digress.

Another important factor in my quote unquote Captain Charming (because I'm not fond of princes if I do say so myself) is definitely chemistry.  I'm sorry, but I need to be physically and emotionally attracted to a guy before I consider an actual relationship.  I don't care how that shallow it makes me sound, it's true.

I am proud to say that I've grown out of my whole bad boy phase (as every girl will... maybe) only because my patience will not allow me the time to indulge in their silly, ego-building games.  And I don't want a guy who's an excessive stoner/alcoholic.  Sorry, but I've had too many personal experiences with the type, and they've all ended in nothing short of misery.  I do want a guy who can make me laugh, but I find that if he thinks everything's a joke, I can't depend on him to console me, or even to take me seriously for that matter (especially because I know I can be hard to take seriously anyways).

Right now, I find I'm attracted to the brooding types.  This combines the mysteriousness of a bad boy, but makes him so much more interesting because he's so confident in himself that he doesn't need to brag about anything.  And I always find that those who say less have decidedly more interesting things to say than those who talk all the time.  Who knows if that will change in the future?  And maybe future experience will give me cause to reasses my priorities in what I'm looking for the guy once more.

But hey, experience is always appreciated.

I must conclude that, however, that accents will most certainly never go out of style.

Needles and the like

I hate needles.

I mean, I don't really mind all that much at getting a shot or anything like that, but I am strangely fascinated and yet horribly terrified of the needle actually piercing my flesh and then touching the insides of my body.  It's kind of like a car crash - I don't WANT to look, but my fatal sense of curiosity refuses to allow me to look away.

I had to take a blood test last year, and I was only consolable by a certain picture of Christian Bale from American Psycho.  The guy taking my blood asked why I had it, and when I explained, he chuckled, and we started talking about how amazing that movie was.

Then he removed one vial and started on another.  I was flummoxed!  TWO vials??  I wasn't a bloodbank and he wasn't a decidedly attractive vampire - why could he want TWO vials of my blood?  But I didn't ask.  Apparently, it was assumed that I knew they'd be taking two.  Pssh.  Whatever.

Surprisingly, however, I must admit that it didn't hurt TOO bad.

Tuesday, I have to go in to get my blood tested for some genetic heart thing.  I hope my John Cusack shirt arrives tomorrow.  Other than that, I'm fully prepared: I will be bringing my Johnny Depp bag with me, and of course, my Jane Austen collection.  Hopefully, they'll let me read while they invade my body with foreign and pointy objects.  At least that way, the prick of the needle can be easily imagined as Mr. Darcy getting a little caught up in the moment...

An anniversary to be proud of

Fictionpress.com, for those of you who are not aware, is a website that houses original fiction written by an author, or, in the likes of me, authoress.

I have been there for a year now, and I feel as though I have accomplished so much.

Number of Stories Completed:  8 archived, 13 total 
Number of Novels Completed:  1 archived
Number of Stories In-Progress:  3
Number of Novels In-Progress:  1
Number of Words Archived on the Site:  782,172 (and counting)
Number of Reviews:  5,292 (and counting)
Number of Stories Planned:  5
Number of Novels Planned:  7
Number of One-Shots (A story that is only one chapter - a story unto itself) Planned:  too many to count

I know it sounds somewhat arrogant, but I feel so accomplished.  When I first began posting, I was slightly wary, unsure of how people would respond to my quirky way of writing - if they would accept it at all - and I was pleasantly surprised.  The biggest lesson I have learned from Fictionpress is (however cheesy it may be) that if you believe in yourself and you work hard, you WILL be successful.  When I first started out, I barely got two reviews a chapter, but because I updated frequently and responded to every review, my stories' reviews continued to grow and grow until even I was surprised.  I'm still surprised!

And this is only my first year.  Imagine what next year will bring!

I know for sure, however, that when people ask if I have a job, I tell them:  "Yes.  I am a writer."  Because I am.  So what if I'm not getting paid for it?  I enjoy it, and in my definition of the word, I am successful.

Being Blonde

Yes, blondes definitely have more fun.  But I must confess that at certain times, it can get to be frustrating.  Not being blonde, of course, but at the lack of blondes as strong heroines in our books, television shows, and movies.  (I've left out music because blondes have always successfully dominated music.)

When I was a kid, my blonde heroes were as follows:

Kelly Bundy from Married... with Children:  Okay, so it's the typical blonde stereotype all rolled into one, but she knew how to get what she wanted (most of the time) and went after it.

Elle Woods from Legally Blonde:  This is probably the girl who I relate to the most.  She's from SoCal, bubbly and friendly to anyone, and also incredibly smart.  But because of how she spoke, how happy she always was, she was underestimated and not taken seriously.  But in the end, she triumphs.

Cher from Clueless:  The other girl I relate to the most.  She too was from SoCal, sweet (if a little self-absorbed), who used the word 'like' as often as she tried to set unsuspecting teachers up.  And she was smart too.  Underestimated too.  But she's firm in her beliefs, and ends up being with the guy who accepts her for everything she is.

Nat from Charlie's Angels:  I love her.  Like most blondes, she's bubbly and fun, but she's tough and can take care of herself.

But I don't see blondes portrayed that way anymore.  Maybe I just haven't seen any yet.  But let's look at television.  The biggest show is NCIS and they don't have a main blonde character.  Neither does House (Cameron totally doesn't count because she was brunette first) or Bones, my favorite shows.

And worst of all, I find it very hard finding a main blonde heroine in the literature I've been reading.  Nearly every vampire book has a brunette heroine, the Harry Potter trio consists of raven hair, red hair, and bushy brown hair.  Sophia Kinsella books all have different versions of mousy brown, to brunette (save for the Confessions series, but that's because she doesn't describe her main character.)  But I digress.  There are too many books to read to know for sure, but in my limited experience, finding a main blonde character who was the actual protagonist has been rare.

And don't get me started on how 'blonde' has become a word with a negative stigma attached.

Okay, so maybe I'm getting worked up over something silly, but it would be nice to see a strong blonde woman as the main character in a book or the star of a television show.  But for now, I'll be content watching Clueless and being underestimated.  At least being underestimated gives me the opportunity to prove everyone wrong.  And I always seem to do just that.     

Happiness et Moi

There are so many different definitions of happiness that I believe it's kind of subjective.  But I think it's a universal truth that happiness is something we humans long to find because we seem to want nothing more than to be happy.  Now, I'm not going to lecture you on whether material goods actually make a person happy.  Hell, every time I get a new book or the latest Johnny Depp movie on DVD I am completely content.  But different things make me happy at different times.  What I've come to realize is that happiness can be as simple as watching a sunset or as formulatic as being proposed to, and if you know yourself well enough, anyone can achieve happiness.  Even though possessions and people might make you happy, you need to be the one to depend on if the situation calls for it.

I'm sure you're all wondering what makes me happy, so I made you a Top 10 List even though, I can assure you, many, many things make me happy.

Top 10 Things That Make Heather Happy  (Oh, and by the way, this is in no particular order)

1)   Knowing that Johnny Depp is alive and breathing and happy makes me happy.  I know it's completely obvious on my behalf, but I don't care.  Sometimes, the most obvious things make us happy.

2)  Writing.  I love to write: poetry, stories, novels, and blogs.  I love it.  I love it enough to get up at five o'clock in the morning to write.  And I'm good at it.  I'm not trying to be arrogant, but out of subjects such as math, science, history, or talents such as singing, dancing, playing an instrument, I can write.  I feel like it's my job, but in the best sense of the word.  One of my dreams would be, of course, to get paid for it, but if that never happens, I'm happy knowing that I can write a pretty good story, and on top of that, making my avid readers happy makes me happy.  The best review I could get would be "I could totally relate to (insert heroine's name here)" or "I'm totally in love with (instert hero's name here)."

3)  When me and my brother listen to prank calls online, especially with Frank Garrett.  There are so many inside jokes we have, and it's something we can laugh about.

4)  When my favorite song of the moment comes on the radio just after changing the station.  I don't care if I have the CD; there's just something different - special - about a favorite song coming on the radio no matter how many times you listen to it.

5)  The smell of a new book.  There's really nothing more to say about that.

6)  Jumping in the puddles as it's raining.  The rain in general, since it's so rare here.  And, of course, the smell after the rain.

7)  Playing with my dogs out back, and watching them run up and down the yard.  Plus, they leave the cutest footprints behind.

8)  Being comfortable enough to be myself.  I mean, I'm always myself, but in certain cases, I have to make myself more conservative than I have to be - like in family situations.

9)  Pride & Prejudice.  The 2005 version, of course.  Especially the raining proposal number one scene, the proposal number two scene, and the very last scene.  And I think I can assure you that the book makes me happy as well.

10)  Memories with my Papa.  So many good ones.  Just thinking about some of the things he's done around Christmas makes me smile.  Good times.

11)  (Sorry, I had to add this in!)  The fireworks at Disneyland.  Unless you've experienced them for yourself, I really can't explain.  It just makes me feel as though I'm where everyone wants to be, and I'm so lucky to be here.  And that all my dreams really can come true, however impossible they seem.

So I guess what I'm saying is that everyone has the capability of making themselves happy.  I'm not saying you have to be happy all the time; I agree that sometimes it feels good to feel sad.  But when you want to be happy, you can.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with the DVD player, Kiera Knightly and Matthew Macfayden...

My Funeral

Okay, so this post might be slightly morbid, but I don't really care.

My family has experienced some death this past year, and for my twenty years, I've been to a handful of funerals.  Yes, they were all touching, and they were all probably what the people who passed might have wanted. 

But traditional funerals are definitely not my style.

Which is why I have composed a list (I love lists!) about what my funeral is going to have:

1)You're not allowed into the church unless you're wearing a costume.  Sorry, but Grieving Man or Stepford Wife won't get in, but Batman and 1920's flapper sure as hell will!  It would be like Halloween - Wouldn't it be funny if it was on Halloween?  Maybe not for those living, but for me, it would be.  I adore irony.

2)  Sorry pastors/priests/reverands/rabbis and the like, but I don't want some person who may belong to a house of worship but has no clue who I am to run this here shindig.  I'll probably have my brother run the thing.  And then each guest will have to stand up and yes, go to the front of the room, and say something about me.  It doesn't have to much, but just a memory would be cool.  Nothing sad though.

3)  The only hymn that will be sung is Disney's Candle on the Water.

4)  Pictures of things I love will be everywhere.  Which means lot and lots of Johnny Depp.  And, if I'm lucky enough, a picture of me and Johnny Depp will be floating around there somewhere.

5)  My mom (if she's still alive), if not, my husband (if I have one) will read a letter I leave behind to the audience.  But if they start crying, they have to take a shot!  Actually, if anyone starts crying, they have to take a shot of Captain Morgan (since he's a pirate).  (I'm kidding... kind of.)

6)  Before they trail over to the refreshment place, the audience will participate in the Time Warp.  And that's a wrap! 

-->  Okay, so that was the PUBLIC funeral.  My private funeral will go as follows:

1)  My ashes will be scattered across the Pacific Ocean (by way of Newport Beach) with Jack Sparrow's theme song (YOU know which one I'm talking about) playing.  No one should say anything.

I'm actually really looking forward to my funeral.  How fun it's going to be!  Too bad I can't actually be there at my own funeral.  Or can't I?

Edward Cullen has nothin' on Mr. Darcy

Okay, I admit, I haven't read Pride & Prejudice.  Yet.  (Barnes & Noble has sent it and it should be arriving shortly.)  But I've seen the 2005 film adaption with Kiera Knightly and Matthew Macfadyen as Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy enough times to know that I know what I'm talking about.

And let's face it; without Pride & Prejudice there would be no Twilight.

Sorry twihards and baby-boom mothers.  Instead of picking up a book about sexual repression and vegetarian vampires that sparkle (Oh yeah, totally masculine, and on top of that, the werewolves can't take a hint.), why not pick up classic literature that might actually teach you about healthy relationships between boys and girls?

I'll admit, I was like you.  (Actually, I never liked the Twilight series; my friends and I were yelling at the stupidity of the characters the entire time, and when we realized we had to read through Jacob's point of view, I almost threw my book against my wall.  Almost.  Because it wasn't my wall's fault that Stephanie Meyer can't write.  But I digress.)  But that gets old.  Seriously.

And Moms.  Shame on you for letting your kid pine for relationships like these!  A vampire who stares at his girlfriend while she's asleep, even going to the point of preventing her from leaving the house.  "Oh, but he's protecting me!"  Yeah, Bella is really someone I want my future daughter to look up to.  Or my cousins, for that matter.

Mr. Darcy is a gentleman who knows how to take care of a woman without having to take off his shirt to do so.  He gets protective but allows the woman to make up her own mind about a certain situation (I'm looking at you, Wickham!)  Plus, he's ruggedly handsome, someone you look at more because there's something interesting about his face.  And Elizabeth Bennet is relatable because she has faults and she has regrets, but they make her more endearing.  And she actually owns up to them.  Oh, and she doesn't need a man to make her happy.

So screw you Edward Cullen, and Jacob Back for that matter.  Because I might not have read Pride & Prejudice.  Yet.  But I don't need to in order to figure out that Mr. Darcy is more of a man than you will ever be.

The Importance of Travel

I was reading an article in the latest Cosmo about goals and how you should start writing down your goals because that reinforces just how important they are to you and will no doubt motivate you in order to attain them.  Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I'm ambitious (sometimes too much so), so I have many goals.

But above else, I want to travel everywhere.

See, I already have it planned.  If everything goes right, I'll be able to get all my credits in two years (I know; long time, right?  Well, I'm getting an AA, plus I didn't know what I wanted to major in so I have a bunch of credits that I might not need.  But I'm hoping to schedule an appointment with my counselor to see what they say.) - ending my time at junior college after a fall semester.  Graduation isn't until May, so I would have ample time to travel.  My first trip abroad, I want to explore Ireland (I swear I am going to have an actual drink in an authentic pub to pay homage to my roots!), Scotland, Wales, and England because I'm hoping to study over there.  So not only would I be traveling and taking in the sights and chatting up guys with accents, but I'd be scouting some campuses.  (My dream would be Oxford, but I'll take what I can get.)

In two years, hopefully I'll be able to save up some money to execute this goal of mine.  I'll be 22 years of age (which means I can drink if I choose to , plus 22 is young enough to have fun, but mature enough for something, though I have yet to find out what that is...), and I'll have an AA, which means no stressing about school.  I'm so looking forward to it!

And then if I do get to study abroad, I could go to other nearby countries on the weekends and stuff!

I'm so excited!  I know I need patience, but I think two years is a good time to start planning.

I feel as though I have the world at my fingertips...

Do You Believe in Magic?

Because I certainly do.

Today, my friend, her mother and I all went to see Disney's Princess and the Frog.  As usual, when it comes to movies, Disney has a knack for making it easy to believe in magic.  When you wish upon a star...  A dream is a wish your heart makes...  A lot of cynics might say that this is why kids shouldn't see such movies, that it gives the unrealistic expectations. 

But I highly disagree.  If anyone has ever seen a Disney movie, we all know that most princesses - or female leads - have to work hard to achieve what they want.  And Tiana, Disney's newest princess, is not an exception.  In fact, she works incredibly hard for her own dream, because in this particular Disney movie, the message is - "A wish on a star can only get you half the way.  You have to continue to work hard for what you want."

And I truly believe that.  I believe that if you have faith in yourself, the universe will help you along the way with what you want, but you can't expect nature to do everything.  You have to step up and do it too.

I have wished on stars and I have picked up pennies (but only when they're face upwards).  I have tried and managed to find some four-leaf clovers, but I have never had a rabbit's foot (though John Dillinger was notorious for carrying them around with him), nor do I think I ever will.

I'm not saying that I'm the luckiest person alive, but I'm grateful what I have, what I've experienced, and I look forward to what I will encounter because I trust the universe - and myself - can only have good things in store for me.  Like Tiana, I'm not there yet, but I'm almost there, and that's what counts.

So wish on a star, dream a dream, sprinkle pixiedust, stardust, whatever you can find, on yourself, but more importantly believe in yourself.  As Vanessa Carlton sings, "You have your dreams in the palm of your hand."

Why Modern Family is the Best New Show of the Season

Okay, I'm going to be honest:  The main reason I started watching Modern Family is because of Ed O'Neil.  He was Al Bundy on Married with Children, and I grew up with that show adoring every minute of it.

After reading a couple of Entertainment Weekly interviews and articles, plus seeing the previews at the movie threatre in the Twenty, I was definitely excited for this show.  Except I suddenly realized that Modern Family was on at the same time as Ghost Hunters, and my mother will not give that up for anything.  Trust me, I've tried.

But that would not deter me!  I have watched every single episode online and have loved every single one.  What's really great about the show is that while I love Ed O'Neil, the show isn't solely about it him.  It's an ensemble cast, and even though you might only go in caring about one group, you end up wondering what's going on with everyone else.

The family is dysfunctional, and I mean that in the absolute best way.  You don't need me to tell you the characters; I'm sure you've all seen the previews for it.  I love the relationship portrayed between Cam and Mitch (Jay's son) because it's not overly-cliched nor is it trying to prove a point regarding homosexuality and in your face about it.  (I truly do think messages are more well-received when it's subtle rather than blunt, but that's just me.)  Jay is almost nothing like Al Bundy, but that's not a bad thing.  Ed O'Neil has the talent to portray such a wide variety of people, and yet make them ruggedly lovable.  His relationship with his wife Gloria isn't flamboyant, nor is it stereotypical.  You can tell that the two really do love each other.  But it's Jay's relationship Gloria's son Manny that's really interesting to watch.  Manny, quite mature for his age, and Jay are clashing in different ways, and yet they learn from each other.  I also have a soft-spot for Phil, Claire's hunsband, who, himself, is just a kid at heart.  But I also really love the dynamic between Claire (Jay's daughter) and her husband because though they're different in many different ways, they balance each other out.

It's the subtle context in the relationships between the family that really make the show.  The writers are ridiculously talented, and the show is lucky to have them.  That, along with the performances the actors give, is the reason to watch this show.  It's witty and humorous, but there's also a lesson learned.  But don't worry; the message isn't thoroughly preached.  Most of the time.

I love the fact that the mockumentary form of filming is used, only because I cannot stand that typical canned laughter sitcoms have.  If you want a successful sitcom, allow your audience to figure out what's funny and what's not without shoving down fake laughter down their throats. 

That, and hiring Ed O'Neil of course. 

Religion in music...?

Okay, so I am currently listening to Carrie Underwood's new CD, Play On, and I really like it.  I adore the country singer, but one song kind of made me think about things, specifically the lyrics or diction certain singers use.  (Please don't even get me started on people who use 'ain't' when 'not' is the same exact syllable and actually grammatically correct, and the like.)  Her song Songs Like This is catchy and empowering, basically calling an ex-boyfriend a total jerk, and "if it wasn't for boys like you, there'd be no songs like this."  Or something like that.

But anyways, in her song, she sings "It ain't the Christian thing to do, they say."  But is it necessary to say the word 'Christian'?  Don't get me wrong; I'm not against expressing spiritual beliefs through songs, but I don't hear things like "It ain't the Jewish thing to do" or "It ain't the Muslim thing to do."  Okay, so country music is predominantly Christian, but that doesn't mean that every single singer is a Christian, or even religious at all.

Wouldn't the word 'decent' suffice, and still have the same connotation?  I mean, this way, it won't isolate some people of the audience.  It's true; revenge isn't the Christian thing to do, but it's also not the decent thing to do also.  And at least everybody in some form or another can relate to decency in some way.

I don't mean to pick on Carrie Underwood because I love her and her music, and I know a lot of other singers - country or not - do it too.  But it's just an interesting thought that I had to share.     

Public Enemies: The Wait is Over

Who has two thumbs and a BluRay copy of Public Enemies?  ...  This guy.

Anyways, now that I got that off my chest, I must say how indescribably excited I am to finally own a copy of this movie because I have been, quite literally, anticipating this movie since I first heard about it.  Now, everyone has their top three favorite actors:  mine are Johnny Depp, Christian Bale, John Cusack, and Robert Downey, Jr.  (Okay, I relent.  I have four.  And there are more.)  When I heard that my top two favorites were going to be rivals in a movie about a charismatic gangster from the 30's, I swooned.  Especially since I am in love with fedoras, especially on both Johnny Depp and Christian Bale.

Since the movie was based on history, I decided to read up on it.  Now, I can tell you my heart belongs to John Dillinger (the real gangster, not Johnny Depp's gangster) and I probably am one of the few twenty-year olds who know almost everything about Dillinger.  Of course, I read Public Enemies, the book the movie was based on by Bryan Burrough quite thoroughly before I saw it, so I knew what was going to happen.  (*Spoiler Alert:  Yeah, I was NOT happy watching Johnny Depp get killed.)

Now, I've been counting down the days until I finally got to see this movie, so when I heard that there was a midnight showing, I had to go.  (And so did my brother, my mother, and my friend Jessica.)  I was so revved up, especially since I read the book, knew my history; I couldn't wait to see what Michael Mann did with Dillinger's fascinating and inspiring story.  Except, instead of enjoying the movie, I found myself picking at discrepencies between history and the movie.  Don't get me wrong; I loved the movie, and my actors, and I've always adored Marion Cottillard, but...  I'll admit it.  I was disappointed.  Not with the portrayals, of course, but with the story.  John Dillinger had the perfect life to turn into a movie!  There was no need to change it in any way!

Of course, that didn't stop me from seeing it three and a half more times in theatres.  In fact, I really, really enjoyed the movie the second time because I knew what to expect.  I'll say it again; I love the movie.  But as a movie; not as a wholly accurate historical portrayal.

Johnny Depp is absolutely fabulous as Dillinger, but that is to be expected.  No one can play likeable rogues like Johnny can.  Christian Bale's portrayal of Melvin Purvis is actually really sweet.  In reality, Purvis was a new kid on the block, nervous (hence the nickname Nervous Purvis), lacking the cool that Dillinger had so easily acquired.  But in the movie, he's a Southern gentleman, and it's really hard to dislike him even though he's supposed to be Johnny Depp's rival.  Marion is beautiful and talented, and she gives life to Billie Frechette, Dillinger's real long-term girlfriend.  We feel her inner-conflict, wanting to stay with Dillinger because she loves him, but not wanting to be there if he gets killed.  Go watch this movie for the performances at least!  I promise you won't be disappointed.  I'm not sure whether you should read the book first or not, but you have to read the book.  It's definitely long, but I couldn't put it down.  The 30's were a fascinating time. 

Sometimes, I think I was born in the wrong time...   

Anyways, I just wish bank robbers these days had as much suave and charisma, charm and rugged good looks as Dillinger had. 

Rain. Yes, in California.

I am sitting at my table, watching a rerun of Law and Order: CI, my hair wet, my jeans sticking to my legs, and my pajamas tumbling in the dryer just waiting for me to put them on, all nice and warm and inviting.  But I am happy.

It is raining, my friends.  And not just oh-California-rain-equals-sprinkling-for-five-seconds rain, but real STORM WATCH rain.  I can hear the drops falling on the pavement over Vincent D'Onofrio's soft spoken voice.  Actually, it's drowning him out.  And that's okay because rarely do I ever hear a constant sound like this.

It's beautiful, like a symphony made from nature.  And it's inspiring.  I watch the trees in my backyard billow in the wind, and my dogs will not go outside for longer than five seconds (though Alpha won't go out at all) because they don't seem to like water all that much.

Southern California may not get a lot of rain, but when it does, people notice.  We don't say, "It's raining.  Again."  We say, "It's raining for the first time this year!"  And we go out in our knee-length boots and jump in the puddles, refusing to put our hoods on or to even bring an umbrella to school with us.  Or at least I do.

I love the rain.

Winter is here.  Finally.

Phobias and other nonsensical things

I never actually thought I had a phobia of anything before until I got into a U-Haul with my mother behind the wheel.

Now, don't mistake me and think that I'm afraid of my mother's driving because I'm not.  At times.  But for whatever reason, I have a phobia of enormous moving vehicles.  I get a chill every time I pass a motorhome, vowing that when I do have children and when we all go camping, my kids are going to be cramped in the back of an eco-friendly car and they are going to like it.  We will camp in a tent just like everybody else did back in the day.

I can get in a U-Haul, but I have to be either reading or listening (I choose to do both) in order to distract myself from the fact that I am indeed in a U-Haul.  Don't start giving me logic; I know that U-Hauls are safe (unless, of course, one engages in a sharp turn going over fifty - if they can even get the U-Haul at fifty).  I can't explain why I'm afraid of big cars and the like.  I just am.

At least phobias are kind of interesting, though I would probably never use mine as a pick-up line.

Unrequited, and it really doesn't feel so good

I feel numb right now.

I just saw this incredibly important person after four years of not seeing him, and this person happened to be the first person I have ever loved.  Real, true love.  I should be ecstatic, excited, feeling incredibly happy, but I'm numb.  And that's what love does to you.  It happens to the best of us, even the coldest of hearts.  Even to mine.

It's not as though I expected anything to change between us.  We got right back into how we were four years ago as though we had never left.  I got hugged twice, and we had a nice, long twenty minute conversation.  It's not as though I expected him to suddenly be single and looking, spot me across the room, and realize that he was in love with me and always has been.  But a part of me wished that it did happen.  And it's always the small parts of you that are the loudest.

It's true what they say that you'll never get over your first love.  It's also true that you don't have to be with a person for them to break your heart.  But if my heart were to shatter, it could have only been done by him.  And the thing is, he probably doesn't even know it.

He still looked as beautiful as ever, and if she's the reason that stunning smile is on his face, then I won't stand in the way.  It's true, I want him to be happy above everything else.  But that doesn't mean I don't want to be happy either.  But his happiness means more than mine right now.  I wanted the pieces of our puzzle to fall together in a different way.  And who knows?  Maybe they will down the road.  Just not now.  Though I don't think I'll ever fall out of love with him.  And a part of me hopes that a part of him won't lose that special feeling he had (still has?) for me.

I'm glad I saw him; I don't regret it even though I'm numb.  I wanted him to see me four years down the line so when he does look back and think of me, I'm an adult and not a sixteen year old with braces.  I wanted to see how he was doing.  I wanted to see him.  And to have him see me.

Mission accomplished.

I just hope she realizes how lucky she is to have him.  As Taylor Swift said, She's got everything that I have to live without.

But I'll survive it.  Somehow, I always do.

How Johnny Depp Changed My Life

Before I start this thought off, I should probably say that originally, I wasn't supposed to start this blog until January 1, 2010.  I wanted to smoothly enter into this whole blogging world with more knowledge than I currently have, a notebook filled with all sorts of ideas, and everything else.  But something got to me and I just had to write.  I should be frustrated, maybe a little upset at my plans changing so abruptly, but that's the thing with inspiration.  It's kind of like love; it just happens, especially when you're really not looking for it.

Anyways, the reason for this first blog is none other than Johnny Depp.  And really, I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  Not only is Johnny Depp People's Sexiest Man Alive, but now he is one of Entertainment Weekly's Entertainers of the Decade.  He's always been my everything.

Go ahead and roll your eyes at my choice of diction, my adoration of a celebrity who will probably never know who I am.  It's okay.  I don't have to meet him, don't need him to know who I am to gain any sort of satisfaction or momentary bliss from it (though if such a thing were to happen, let me assure you it would not be momentary).  I am simply content in knowing that he is alive because he has quite literally changed my life.

I still remember the first time I ever saw him - really saw him.  I had just gotten home from visiting my father back in Michigan, and my mother took my brother and I to a local dollar theatre.  Because it was my brother's turn to pick the movie, we ended up seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl.  I wasn't too happy about it, but my mother reminded me that Orlando Bloom was in it, hot off The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (though I had always preferred Pippin to Legolas).  Upon first seeing Orlando Bloom, my interest wasn't exactly piqued, though he had an endearing quality about him, boyish charm that couldn't be denied.  But I was harder to win over than just one look, one smile.

And yet, the moment Johnny Depp sauntered on screen in black eyeliner and two gold teeth, with that sway, I was hooked.  He was unlike anything I had ever seen before, a masterpiece too beautiful to describe, but rough around the edges to entice even the most frozen of hearts.  With that enthralling score by Klaus Badelt backing Johnny's pirate captain as he stood on the mast of his small, sinking vessel, my thirteen year old eyes realized this was most certainly love at first sight.

I ended up seeing that movie two more times in theatres, bought it the day it came out on DVD, and now own it on BluRay as well.

As a Sagittarius, my curiosity regarding all things piratical was piqued, and I researched everything I could about pirates.  Yes, I read The Complete Idiot's Guide to Piracy.  I looked stuff up on the internet.  And I have been on the ride at Disneyland countless times now (though I haven't quite memorized the song.  Yet.).

My muse had fully formed, and everything I had wanted to write about finally came to me, so I wrote.  And wrote.  And wrote.  Belonging to Fanfiction.net (a place where people go to in order to read and write things belonging to any sort of fandom), Pirates stories flared up.  A big trend was second-story fiction where YOU were the main character.  I wrote some, I read some.  And then, Fanfiction.net decided to enforce a rule that they had otherwise been lax about, and every story (save for a select few) were deleted from the site.

But no matter.  I had to write.  And I did.  Not just with characters from the movie, but with my own characters.  And low and behold, I actually finished them.  While my imagination is quite rampant, my attention span was too impatient to actually let me finish a story.  But not anymore.

And I didn't just write stories, but poetry.  As a poet, I believe it is my job to make words as beautiful as songs but without the help of any intruments, and I must humbly say that I am quite content with how some came out.  But when you have a muse that inspires you in such a way, you can't take all the credit.  And I don't.

But it's not just me he inspires.  I know there are people out there who feel the exact same way about him that I do.  And maybe your muse isn't Johnny Depp, but rather someone else.  And that's perfectly fine.  But surely you can relate to what I'm saying and what I'm feeling.

Johnny Depp is more than just a pretty face.  He is compassionate and caring, and has this ability to be cool without trying.  He is talented and humble, gracious enough to sign an autograph or take a picture with a fan or two.  And just like the wine he adores, he gets better and better with age.  And he changed my life seven years ago, and will undoubtedly continue to do so as I get older.

But please know that my words really cannot express what I feel about him or how thankful I am for him.  To quote from Sir Elton John:  I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is while you're in the world.