Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Getting Over Boys

I'm not a rebound kind of girl.

Well, after a relationship ends, I like when guys stare at me because it boosts my waning self-confidence.  And yes, flirting is nice.  But I don't throw myself into the arms of Random Boy #1 in order to get over an ex.  Because to me, that's an impossible feat.  Rebounds, to me, are replacements.  And when it comes to my exes, they're irreplaceable.  Even the bad ones.

I can't be with another guy because I'll be looking for my most recent ex in them and will be disappointed when I don't find what I'm looking for.  The thing is, they'll never be him.

And that's okay.

The way I get over an ex is to throw myself into something completely unrelated.  With this past relationship, I listened to Hilary Duff's "Holiday" about a hundred times and avoided any songs that might bring me to tears.  I also refused to watch sappy romantic comedies because even though I know they're unrealistic, even I - the very optimistic but not very romantic girl - wanted to be what every heroine in those rom-coms is: the exception. 

Because Goatboy was my exception.  And in my naivety, I thought, You know, maybe it's not crazy to think that I'm his exception too. 

Except life doesn't work that way.  As tortuous as it is, just because he's mine doesn't mean I'm his.  And I didn't want sappy movies to remind me of that.

I refused to write poems, and when I thought enough time had passed where it was safe to, I still cried writing them.  I'm tearing up a bit, writing this.

And let me tell you, I am not a sap.  Far from it.  I can always tell when something is genuine in romantic comedies, and when something is just way too cheesy.  And when it's cheesy, I can't help but laugh.  While all the other women in the theatre are 'awing' and sniffling, I'm laughing.  And I'm sorry to ruin the moment but I cannot help it.

But I think that's what makes me happy in this moment, right now.  I'm hopeful.  For the future.  For my love life.  Because even though Goatboy was (and is, and probably will always be, as first loves usually are) my exception, there will be others.  And finding the one that sees you as his or her exception as well?  Well, that's fate, isn't it?

I'm sure I won't find my One right now.  Probably because I'm not quite over my previous relationship.  Not yet, anyways.  And I refuse to get into a relationship until I'm over the previous one.  But with each passing day, a little bit of the pain fades.  And a little piece of me grows back.  Granted, he'll always have his piece of me and I'll forever love him.  But my heart fills that gap with lessons I've learned, an updated version of what I want and don't want in a relationship, and a small, silver scar that will remind me of him.

As if I could forget.

And while I feel myself fully letting go of what was, I yearn for what will be.

And that happiness comes from what is now.

No, I don't do the whole rebound thing. 

But I watch television shows with genuine guys I adore.  With Number 24 way back last year, what got me over him was watching the first season of True Blood.  And I saw how genuine Bill was, and how much he loved Sookie, and I realized that it was good riddance with Number 24.  I wanted a guy like Bill.  (Granted, this was season one.  I have been Team Eric for a while now, thank you very much.)

And while I didn't find Bill in Goatboy, I found what I was looking for in that moment, and I didn't even realize it until we started dating.

And now, the thing getting me over Goatboy isn't Finn from Glee or Parker from Drop Dead Diva as I expected, but rather Professor Snape.  From Harry Potter.  No.  I'm not kidding.  It's probably the slew of talented authors over on that capture his character, make him such a well-rounded character that you'd be crazy not to fall in love with him. 

Goatboy was everything I needed in those nine months we spent together, but now, I'm hoping for someone like Professor Snape.  In all honesty, I probably won't find someone like the Potions Master.  But I trust the universe to give me exactly what I need when I need it even (especially) if I, myself, don't know just what that is.

But hopefully, the universe will throw in that silky, seductive Alan Rickman voice when choosing my next romantic entanglement as icing on the cake.

1 comment:

  1. grr i just posted a really long comment but blogger doesn't like me very much right now. well i hate it right back.

    I followed your link here from fictionpress. I'm reading stumbled and i love it, you're a really talented writer :)

    I like your system for getting over boyfriends. It's better than crying over sappy chick flicks all the time. I must pass this information on to one of my friends :p

    I know I'm probably not one for advice on this stuff, seeing as i've never had a boyfriend, but you're young, and goatboy just wasn't meant to be. soon you'll find the guy you're meant to end up with, and you'll be really glad you and goatboy broke up.
    plus, you're super pretty, so you could always marry a really rich guy and live in a giant mansion and laugh at how much better off you are than him. :p (I kid.)
    (and yes, I do get most of my ideas on love from fluff filled fictionpress stories.)

    why do you call him goatboy?
    i like goats. i don't like to eat them though.

    I love snape. He's my favourite. I almost cried cuz i felt so bad for him, and james was so horrible.

    I love chocolate cake.

    Oh, and good for you for the no rebound thing. :)