Not to go all Gloria Gaynor, but I realized it's true.
Last night, I had a dream the world was coming to an end. People in my family died. Strangers died. Everyone around me save for a few people were dead. But I wasn't. I was quick-thinking, I was fast on my feet, and yeah, I was scared shitless, but I was trying to keep as calm as possible.
I'm a romantic. Not in the cliched way or anything, but I like to make the guy I'm seeing happy. Whether that's taking him to a Ducks game or dropping off a gift certificate at his house when I know he's at school, it doesn't matter. I love surprising him. In a way, it's kind of selfish because MY happiness only increases knowing that I've made him happy.
But the thing is, if it goes south with Goatboy and we end up not seeing each other, I will survive.
I mean, what else is there? Survival is something I've had to learn at a young age. I've survived three deaths in my family. I've survived my parents' divorce. I've survived breakups and a very bad relationship. I've survived heartbreaks. I've survived being abandoned by two people who I thought would never abandon me. I've survived.
I was reading this month's Cosmo, which happens to be the Bachelor Issue, and I read this one guy's quote, saying, "I won't start dating a girl unless I think she could possibly be The One. Which is why I like to take things slow." Obviously I'm paraphrasing. But I've come to realize that I'm the same way. I don't date a guy if I don't like him or if I don't think it's going to go anywhere. That would be a complete waste of both our time. Now, let's back-peddle a bit. I'm not saying Goatboy's The One or anything, but he could be. I'm open to seeing where it goes.
Having said that, I'm also experienced enough to realize that given today's romantic environment, there's a good chance that - especially since we're both really young - it won't work out. That doesn't mean this is a waste of time because I like him well enough to give him the chance to either change my mind or fall in love. I can't say which path we'll go down because we haven't come to that fork yet.
If it turns out that he ends up going right instead of left, if he's not as crazy as I am about me, if he doesn't want to see me anymore, of course I'll be hurt. Goatboy is the first guy I've been instantly comfortable with, ridiculously attracted to, and has opened my mind to concepts I haven't thought about before. And I hope I've done the same for him. But if not, if it doesn't work out, I'll survive.
I won't call him or ask for another chance. I won't try to win him back. I know that maybe that's what many people say - they'll fight for the one they love and all - but that's not me. If he wants to go, I won't stop him or try to change his mind. It's his choice and I have to respect that.
And through the tears and feelings of loneliness and tubs of ice cream, I know that I'll survive. I'll move on. And I'll be a stronger person. And in a way, I'll be excited because I know that while Goatboy was an amazing guy and I was lucky to have known him, my real soulmate, a guy who'll love me for exactly who I am, is out there looking for me.
And all the pain will be worth it.