I Will Survive

Not to go all Gloria Gaynor, but I realized it's true.

Last night, I had a dream the world was coming to an end.  People in my family died.  Strangers died.  Everyone around me save for a few people were dead.  But I wasn't.  I was quick-thinking, I was fast on my feet, and yeah, I was scared shitless, but I was trying to keep as calm as possible.

I'm a romantic.  Not in the cliched way or anything, but I like to make the guy I'm seeing happy.  Whether that's taking him to a Ducks game or dropping off a gift certificate at his house when I know he's at school, it doesn't matter.  I love surprising him.  In a way, it's kind of selfish because MY happiness only increases knowing that I've made him happy.

But the thing is, if it goes south with Goatboy and we end up not seeing each other, I will survive.

I mean, what else is there?  Survival is something I've had to learn at a young age.  I've survived three deaths in my family.  I've survived my parents' divorce.  I've survived breakups and a very bad relationship.  I've survived heartbreaks.  I've survived being abandoned by two people who I thought would never abandon me.  I've survived.

I was reading this month's Cosmo, which happens to be the Bachelor Issue, and I read this one guy's quote, saying, "I won't start dating a girl unless I think she could possibly be The One.  Which is why I like to take things slow."  Obviously I'm paraphrasing.  But I've come to realize that I'm the same way.  I don't date a guy if I don't like him or if I don't think it's going to go anywhere.  That would be a complete waste of both our time.  Now, let's back-peddle a bit.  I'm not saying Goatboy's The One or anything, but he could be.  I'm open to seeing where it goes.

Having said that, I'm also experienced enough to realize that given today's romantic environment, there's a good chance that - especially since we're both really young - it won't work out.  That doesn't mean this is a waste of time because I like him well enough to give him the chance to either change my mind or fall in love.  I can't say which path we'll go down because we haven't come to that fork yet.

If it turns out that he ends up going right instead of left, if he's not as crazy as I am about me, if he doesn't want to see me anymore, of course I'll be hurt.  Goatboy is the first guy I've been instantly comfortable with, ridiculously attracted to, and has opened my mind to concepts I haven't thought about before.  And I hope I've done the same for him.  But if not, if it doesn't work out, I'll survive.

I won't call him or ask for another chance.  I won't try to win him back.  I know that maybe that's what many people say - they'll fight for the one they love and all - but that's not me.  If he wants to go, I won't stop him or try to change his mind.  It's his choice and I have to respect that.

And through the tears and feelings of loneliness and tubs of ice cream, I know that I'll survive.  I'll move on.  And I'll be a stronger person.  And in a way, I'll be excited because I know that while Goatboy was an amazing guy and I was lucky to have known him, my real soulmate, a guy who'll love me for exactly who I am, is out there looking for me.

And all the pain will be worth it.

My Happy Song

Everyone has a happy song that may or may not reflect who they are.  Sometimes the song is predictable and consistent with a person's favorite artist.  Sometimes it's nostalgic, maybe a song you used to listen to with a close family member.  Sometimes it's an inside joke between you and your best friend.  Sometimes, it's that one song that perfectly expresses exactly how you feel about that special someone.  Sometimes it's all of that. 

And sometimes, it's none of that.  Sometimes, it doesn't make sense.  Sometimes, our happy songs creep up on us and we don't realize that it's our happy song until we find ourselves dancing and smiling and reveling in the fact that the song doesn't make sense, was never released on the radio because it was made strictly for a movie that wasn't very popular, and is by an actor who's on House now but wasn't that big back then.

My happy song since the beginning of my sophomore year of high school is "Sheets of Egyptian Cotton" by Jesse Spencer, and it was made for the movie Uptown Girls with Brittany Murphy.  I haven't listened to it in a while, but as I was composing a tracklist for my birthday, I realized that this song just HAD to be played.  How could it not?  This was my HAPPY SONG.

Sure, there are other songs that represent me and that I love and that make me feel nearly the same way as this song.  There are songs by better known artists, songs that make sense, songs that are more popular, but I don't care.  This is my happy song.  I get the same feeling every time I hear it and that's it.  I start dancing, I close my eyes, and I get this ridiculous smile on my face.  The feeling I get from it is pure and utter happiness.

And that's what makes it my happy song.  Because no other song on the planet can evoke such pure happiness from me.

I'd love to hear what YOUR happy song is.

And luckily for us, happy songs can be played over and over and over again and still give us those good vibrations.