The awkward guy friend: Does he or doesn't he?

We all have that guy friend we're not quite about: Does he or doesn't he like me?

I recently went through a situation like this (try: yesterday).  Back in summer, out of the blue, my old friend from high school asked to hang and catch up.  I hadn't seen him in years so we exchanged numbers and met up at a cafe and talked.  On my part, I wasn't feeling the chemistry.  Don't get me wrong: He's good looking, intelligent, and sweet, but it just wasn't there.

Throughout the week, he texts me wanting to hang out again.  I'm super-busy with friends and my new job.  I don't mean to continuously blow him off, but I simply don't have time for him and since I don't feel it, I'm not going to move things around to make room for him (don't I sound awful?). 

At one point, I think he gets the message since I finally agree to go out (but to a Starbucks close to my house for an hour instead of "somewhere quiet we can go to talk" or swing dancing), but then I get another text from him yesterday.  I'm the type of person who doesn't like to play games and I don't like coming off like a jerk because I keep claiming to be too busy to hang (even though that's true, for the most part).  So I decided to say something.

It's tricky to be a girl because even if you know a guy is interested in that way and you call him out on it, he can turn it around on you and claim he just wants to be friends and you're conceited for thinking otherwise.  So what I did say is something along the lines of: "I'm going to be blunt with you: I'm seeing someone and I'm really happy.  I'm not saying that was why you were hanging out in the first place but I just wanted to tell you where I'm at so there wouldn't be any miscommunication between us.  I still don't mind hanging out with you as just friends, however."

Guys usually appreciate the directness (and if they don't, you don't want to be around a spurned tool, so let him cool off and realize how lame he's being) but sometimes, they just don't get it.  Hawke texted back that he appreciated me telling him and that he wasn't hanging out with me for that reason, but he would be lying if he said he wasn't interested (um, what?).  He said that he was happy I was happy and would still like to hang out if it didn't make me and my guy uncomfortable.

Yeah... no.  I don't think so.

If you're not seeing someone - and this has happened to me when I haven't been - I always claim I'm too busy with school (or a job) to devote the time he deserves in a potential relationship and that isn't fair to him.

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With the potential lockout looming tonight, I want to send one last prayer to the hockey gods:  Please.  Please.  Please.  Hockey is one of the few things I'm passionate about and this is the only year I can devote to season tickets.  I'm begging you: Please let there be a full season.  Please.  For Teemu's sake and my sanity.

Lessons Learned

It's been over a year since Goatboy and I decided to stop seeing each other.  Up until April, there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't think of him without missing him, longing for what we had, and wondering if we would ever be together in the future.  I wound up finding him on Facebook and we had a couple of chats through texts but we haven't seen each other in a long time.  It was like we didn't have to try.  We still had that casual banter I missed so much and I was happy to have him back in my life and hoped that maybe, just maybe, we might get a second chance at being together.

I was talking to my guy friend about it - let's call him Lawyer - and he made me realize something: What I missed wasn't what we had but what I thought it might be if we had more time.  In other words, the reason I stayed with him for so long and why I continued to miss him when he was gone was because I was waiting for what could have been rather than seeing what we were.  Because what we were was fun, but not enough.  And that's okay.  That wasn't his fault or my fault.  It just was what we were.

It took me a day to let the words sink in, but when they did, I was immediately over Goatboy.  I can now look at it with fondness and I won't ever say I didn't love him - I loved him as much as I could with what was given to me - but I can't long for what I never had.  I can appreciate it for what it was: two people who liked spending time together, who cared about each other, who had fun being in each other's company.

Just because he wasn't The One, just because I never met his friends or family, just because he never told me he loved me (if he ever did) doesn't mean the time I spent with him was wasted or inconsequential.  Thinking about us now makes me smile because he taught me what I want in a guy, what I want in a relationship, and more about myself.  I feel lucky that I learned these lessons with someone like him, and even though my heart was smashed into a thousand pieces, I've managed to put it all back together.

Except I couldn't find a piece.  It's small but it's still a piece of my heart that will always belong to him.  Not because he took it from me, but because I gave it to him.  The small hole left will remind me of him, of our time together, and that's enough for me.

Taking fate into your own hands

Society's a pretty interesting thing, isn't it?  The double standards, the expectations, the social norms that are constantly changing...

This is for all the girls who have a guy they want to ask out (or are waiting for a guy to ask them out).  As you well know, I'm a big believer in signs.  In the universe.  In that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  In everything happens for a reason.

Since my April breakup with Goatboy, I've been very resistant to relationships.  Even now, I cannot picture myself ever getting married.  Not that I don't want to, I just can't picture it.  Yet.  I haven't met That Guy.  And really, I don't want to meet him yet.  I'm only 22.

However, I find myself wanting to date.  Casually.  Just for fun.  And I had a particular guy in mind that I wanted to take that chance with.  So I talked to fate, and I said, "Listen, if you give me this opportunity, if you put me in this position, I promise I won't waste it."

As we all know, the universe works in mysterious ways.  The guy turned out to have a girlfriend (or a date or a female friend, whatever signified that perhaps he wasn't looking to date anyone else at the moment) but at the event, I met someone else, someone I briefly interacted with in November.  We fell back into easy conversation, and before I knew it, I gave him my number.

In a way, I'm glad Guy #1 was taken (or seemingly taken).  Now I'm free to choose whoever I might find interesting enough to date.  I'm not tied down, and I refuse to wait for anyone.  I feel empowered, as though I can pick and choose which guys I want to hang out with and which guys I don't.

So girls: why not take fate into your own hands and ask a guy out?  You can make it really casual, like offering to be a tour guide to a new guy in town (that's the one I used), tell him, "Hey, I'd love to buy you a drink some time" (my  original line on Guy #1 - IF you're of age, of course), or, if you're not, "We should grab coffee some time."  As common sensical as it sounds, you don't have to be like, "Do you want to go out with me?"  It can be casual and fun and noncommittal, like, "We should hang out."  That way, you put the power in his hands.  If he wants to hang, he'll call/text/Facebook, whatever.  If not, so what?  The world is at your feet, with guys just waiting to hang out with you.

Go for it.  Don't wait around.  How else is the universe going to take what you want seriously if you don't think it's risky enough to take a chance on?