Have you just liked someone or something, and multiple people you may or may not be acquainted with just look at you and say, "How did you get into that?"
Yeah, welcome to my life. Apparently, due to the fact that I have blonde hair, big boobs, and am from Southern California, I am expected to be into certain (and normally feminine-fashionista) things. Except I tend to be nothing what you'd ever expect.
I'm kind of a nerd. And I mean that in the best way. I'm smart - both with grades and with random topics. However, I do admit; I have my moments. Sometimes, I don't get jokes and they have to be explained to me. But the joke is still funny once I do get it. Anyways, I'm a nerd, especially when I get really, really into something. And no, fashion isn't something I'm into most of the time.
Piracy and 1930s gangsters are two topics I am really into and know a lot - more than any average citizen - about. I love learning about things I'm into, so I read and watch as much as I can. And since one of my two favorite gangsters stayed in Alcatraz for nearly twenty six years (the longest inmate to ever do that, by the way), I had to do research on Alcatraz, and even more than that, I had to go to Alcatraz.
Allow me to introduce myself: Hello, I'm the [Alvin] Karpis girl. The people who worked at Alcatraz actually addressed me as such because a couple of months ago, I wrote their park system, asking about his cells and time in the bakery. Duh. If I'm going to make the trek up to NorCal, I want to get (my father and grandparents') money's worth. Plus, I want it to mean something to me. The thing is, I got a response back, and the president of the Night Tours actually escorted me personally to his cells, let me go in them - for a gangster geek like me, I was in Heaven (despite being on Devil's Island).
But what everyone kept asking me, including my grandparents, asked me was this: "How did you get into Karpis?" "Why Karpis?" Because apparently it makes sense if I got into Al Capone or even John Dillinger. No one really knows Alvin Karpis even though he was the lone 1930's gangster (and Public Enemy Number One) to survive. Prison. Shoot outs. Being in the same room as J. Edgar Hoover. He's a survivor. But I like the fact that no one knows him - it's like I have a secret; a big beautiful secret that if you're not in on, hey, guess what, your loss.
So the question is kind of offensive to me. However, instead of retorting, "Why the fuck not?" or "Because he's Alvin FUCKING Karpis," I refrain. Because I have to remember - these people aren't in on the secret. They don't know how great he is. So I explain that while reading Bryan Burrows' Public Enemies, I really got into Karpis's story (along, of course, with Dillinger's). But it's more than that. And that's a secret I will keep. Because people who aren't in on the secret don't get it. And having to explain it? Well, that's like having to explain a joke. Some people still find the joke amusing (me), but the majority of the population still won't get it - and you're the weird one.
I'm weird enough as it is. The only two people who haven't asked me that question are my parents. As much as they're different, they recognize that my eccentricities make me who I am. Like the fact that I have Karpis's mug shot as my background. My mom didn't even blink. That's just who I am. And I think they love me for it.
Plus, let's be honest, I teach them things they'd probably never know. So when they're old and are playing Trivia Pursuit and there's a question about piracy or gangsters, they'll look at the sky (because I'll be in my mansion away from them doing my thing while they do theirs) and say, "Thank you Heather." And I'll say, "No biggie."
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Dear Cute Guy who sits two rows in front of me in my math class and looks like Aaron Eckhart except with a squared face (aka Phil),
Hi.
No, I haven't forgotten about you, even while I was on a rollercoaster with another guy who I may or may not like anymore and who may or may not be interested in me to text me in order for us to hang out again. But I digress. Obviously a lot has changed since I last wrote to you.
Including the whole part where we talked today. For the first time.
I stayed after class to ask the professor a question regarding our upcoming midterm and found myself standing next to you as you watched the professor go over another problem with another student. Maybe it was because it was just you and me or maybe it was something else, but you started talking to me. And despite the little flutter in my heart at just being in your presence, I felt completely at ease with you. And that's probably why I asked you your name before introducing myself to you.
You left after that, but...
You should probably know (though you probably never will) that when we shook hands, I felt sparks fly. It was something I have never felt before (much like my love at first sight encounter with Joe from Tahoe) which is why I'll never forget it. Who knows what will happen between us, if anything, but that moment is something that will stay with me always. Because you made me believe in something I always knew was out there but wasn't sure if it would ever happen to me.
So thank you.
I'll see you Thursday.
And if you need a study buddy, I'm available.
No, I haven't forgotten about you, even while I was on a rollercoaster with another guy who I may or may not like anymore and who may or may not be interested in me to text me in order for us to hang out again. But I digress. Obviously a lot has changed since I last wrote to you.
Including the whole part where we talked today. For the first time.
I stayed after class to ask the professor a question regarding our upcoming midterm and found myself standing next to you as you watched the professor go over another problem with another student. Maybe it was because it was just you and me or maybe it was something else, but you started talking to me. And despite the little flutter in my heart at just being in your presence, I felt completely at ease with you. And that's probably why I asked you your name before introducing myself to you.
You left after that, but...
You should probably know (though you probably never will) that when we shook hands, I felt sparks fly. It was something I have never felt before (much like my love at first sight encounter with Joe from Tahoe) which is why I'll never forget it. Who knows what will happen between us, if anything, but that moment is something that will stay with me always. Because you made me believe in something I always knew was out there but wasn't sure if it would ever happen to me.
So thank you.
I'll see you Thursday.
And if you need a study buddy, I'm available.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Valentine's Day
Yes, I'm a day late. But do you know why? I was actually really busy yesterday!
I've always been somewhat indifferent to Valentin'es Day only because it was a rare occurence when I actually had a boyfriend during that time (and said ex would ruin the magic by buying his gifts for me right in front of me after asking if this was what I wanted...). But I'm not one of those people who hate Valentine's Day or is bitter because it's just a reminder to all us single people we're still single. I don't particularly care because I don't mind being single. Most of the time.
Valentine's Day, nevertheless, has always been special to me because it is the holiday I used to share with my Papa. I mean, we celebrated all holidays together, but this one was special. Every Valentine's Day, we always exchanged Valentines, and we were always each other's Valentine. I remember he would buy a whole box of those cards and only end up using two - one for me and one for my brother. Sometimes he would buy two boxes in order to make sure our genders weren't threatened one way or the other. And he would always give us a five dollar bill in the Valentine. I thought I was the coolest kid on the block. On my end, I normally hand-made my Valentines for him, and after looking through my grandparents' things years later, I saw that they kept a lot of them.
We got Bingo when I was in first grade, and you can tell by his unique name that I was creative even then. Of course, after a couple of years, I was unsatisfied with simply just naming him. Bingo had to have a birthday too. So Papa told me I could pick any day, and that would be Bingo's birthday. So I picked Valentine's Day, because it would make the holiday even more special than it already was for us.
When Papa was in the hospital, I went out of my way to make him the best Valentine ever - I drew a heart and wrote him a poem, and then I taped candy hearts on it that had messages I wanted him to read. The one that went right in the center was 'You're my hero.' And he kept those up too. He died a week and a day later, and though we couldn't be together for our holiday, at least I got to send him my Valentine.
Even though Papa's gone, we're still each other's Valentine. Simple as that.
But Valentine's isn't about loving someone else who also happens to be your partner. Valentine's Day is about love in general. My brother signed a Valentine card with all of our inside jokes in it, making me laugh at seven o'clock in the morning. Mom and I ran errands and sang to Phil Collins and Rod Stewart. I even visited my old park that Papa would take my to every weekend just so I could swing. Yeah, I was the oldest person actually using the equipment, but I didn't care. I took an online Administration of Justice quiz, and I think I kicked ass on it. I read and I wrote. And then me and my other Valentine, my best friend in the entire world, Jessie, went out for Tai food and then laughed our asses off at the movie Valentine's Day. It was one of the best Valentine's Days I've had in a while because I felt loved and I felt special.
But I loved myself too. I wanted to have fun, boy or no boy, so I did. And it was one of the best nights of my life.
And when I got home to find the boy I liked commented on one of my Facebook pictures? Well that, my friends, was just icing on an already delicious cake.
I've always been somewhat indifferent to Valentin'es Day only because it was a rare occurence when I actually had a boyfriend during that time (and said ex would ruin the magic by buying his gifts for me right in front of me after asking if this was what I wanted...). But I'm not one of those people who hate Valentine's Day or is bitter because it's just a reminder to all us single people we're still single. I don't particularly care because I don't mind being single. Most of the time.
Valentine's Day, nevertheless, has always been special to me because it is the holiday I used to share with my Papa. I mean, we celebrated all holidays together, but this one was special. Every Valentine's Day, we always exchanged Valentines, and we were always each other's Valentine. I remember he would buy a whole box of those cards and only end up using two - one for me and one for my brother. Sometimes he would buy two boxes in order to make sure our genders weren't threatened one way or the other. And he would always give us a five dollar bill in the Valentine. I thought I was the coolest kid on the block. On my end, I normally hand-made my Valentines for him, and after looking through my grandparents' things years later, I saw that they kept a lot of them.
We got Bingo when I was in first grade, and you can tell by his unique name that I was creative even then. Of course, after a couple of years, I was unsatisfied with simply just naming him. Bingo had to have a birthday too. So Papa told me I could pick any day, and that would be Bingo's birthday. So I picked Valentine's Day, because it would make the holiday even more special than it already was for us.
When Papa was in the hospital, I went out of my way to make him the best Valentine ever - I drew a heart and wrote him a poem, and then I taped candy hearts on it that had messages I wanted him to read. The one that went right in the center was 'You're my hero.' And he kept those up too. He died a week and a day later, and though we couldn't be together for our holiday, at least I got to send him my Valentine.
Even though Papa's gone, we're still each other's Valentine. Simple as that.
But Valentine's isn't about loving someone else who also happens to be your partner. Valentine's Day is about love in general. My brother signed a Valentine card with all of our inside jokes in it, making me laugh at seven o'clock in the morning. Mom and I ran errands and sang to Phil Collins and Rod Stewart. I even visited my old park that Papa would take my to every weekend just so I could swing. Yeah, I was the oldest person actually using the equipment, but I didn't care. I took an online Administration of Justice quiz, and I think I kicked ass on it. I read and I wrote. And then me and my other Valentine, my best friend in the entire world, Jessie, went out for Tai food and then laughed our asses off at the movie Valentine's Day. It was one of the best Valentine's Days I've had in a while because I felt loved and I felt special.
But I loved myself too. I wanted to have fun, boy or no boy, so I did. And it was one of the best nights of my life.
And when I got home to find the boy I liked commented on one of my Facebook pictures? Well that, my friends, was just icing on an already delicious cake.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
On being a Pussycat Doll
Okay, let's get one thing straight: I'm not officially a Pussycat Doll. But I consider myself one. Just like I consider myself a Cosmo girl.
But it's because I believe in what their message says: confidence in your career and your sexuality, and who you are as a person. Being ambitious is actually a good thing. Being sexy is not being slutty. I could go on.
Anyways, the reason I'm talking about the Pussycat Dolls is because for the last thirty days, I have been doing their workout pretty religiously. Okay, so to better understand it, I should probably explain the workout to you. The workout is broken down into three different dances - Robin Antin is the creator and choreographer of the Pussycat Dolls, and she, along with four other girls, teach you the dance moves. Then you "perform" the dance routines to songs such as "Don't Cha" and "Buttons." This is preluded by a warm-up and followed by a cool-down.
Now, if you know me, I absolutely love to dance. To be, dancing isn't exercising, it's expression. It's freedom. So I love it. Plus, the moves are fun and sexy so it boosts my own confidence.
Many people have criticized the workout because the dances are really only thirty seconds, give or take, but this is great because it makes each workout (if you break it down by each dance) about twenty to thirty minutes. At least I love it because it's not too long but it's not too short.
The most important thing, to me anyways, is the effect of the dancing not only on my body but on my mind and my spirit. Thirty days have gone by and I already notice a difference, especially concerning my legs and arms. But that's not why I'm doing this (though I do want a Kathy Griffin rockin' bikini bod by summer). Well, that's a lie. I do want to tone my body. But feeling the effects of dancing has me doing it for other reasons as well.
Interestingly enough, working out makes me eat healthier. After working out, I grab a bowl of fruit, not a cookie. I'm just not in the mood for anything heavy and sugary, you know? Not when I busted my booty. Now, that's not to say I'm a crazy health nut. I'm not. I still eat cookies and croissants, but not as much as I used to.
The most important thing though? I love myself. Not that I never did. I guess what I'm saying is that I appreciate myself more because I'm working hard for it. When I look in the mirror, I see the elements of my hard work, not what I have to work on. (Though I do have those days, just like anybody.) And I'm much more confident in my body which makes me more confident with who I am as a person.
Being a Pussycat Doll is empowering. And I love it. I love me. And not to be arrogant, but some guys... I think they love me too.
But it's because I believe in what their message says: confidence in your career and your sexuality, and who you are as a person. Being ambitious is actually a good thing. Being sexy is not being slutty. I could go on.
Anyways, the reason I'm talking about the Pussycat Dolls is because for the last thirty days, I have been doing their workout pretty religiously. Okay, so to better understand it, I should probably explain the workout to you. The workout is broken down into three different dances - Robin Antin is the creator and choreographer of the Pussycat Dolls, and she, along with four other girls, teach you the dance moves. Then you "perform" the dance routines to songs such as "Don't Cha" and "Buttons." This is preluded by a warm-up and followed by a cool-down.
Now, if you know me, I absolutely love to dance. To be, dancing isn't exercising, it's expression. It's freedom. So I love it. Plus, the moves are fun and sexy so it boosts my own confidence.
Many people have criticized the workout because the dances are really only thirty seconds, give or take, but this is great because it makes each workout (if you break it down by each dance) about twenty to thirty minutes. At least I love it because it's not too long but it's not too short.
The most important thing, to me anyways, is the effect of the dancing not only on my body but on my mind and my spirit. Thirty days have gone by and I already notice a difference, especially concerning my legs and arms. But that's not why I'm doing this (though I do want a Kathy Griffin rockin' bikini bod by summer). Well, that's a lie. I do want to tone my body. But feeling the effects of dancing has me doing it for other reasons as well.
Interestingly enough, working out makes me eat healthier. After working out, I grab a bowl of fruit, not a cookie. I'm just not in the mood for anything heavy and sugary, you know? Not when I busted my booty. Now, that's not to say I'm a crazy health nut. I'm not. I still eat cookies and croissants, but not as much as I used to.
The most important thing though? I love myself. Not that I never did. I guess what I'm saying is that I appreciate myself more because I'm working hard for it. When I look in the mirror, I see the elements of my hard work, not what I have to work on. (Though I do have those days, just like anybody.) And I'm much more confident in my body which makes me more confident with who I am as a person.
Being a Pussycat Doll is empowering. And I love it. I love me. And not to be arrogant, but some guys... I think they love me too.
Monday, February 8, 2010
One little word
Okay, I'm going to be honest. Before something happened to me today, I truly believed that one word was just too simple. How could one word be so entirely powerful? Even marriage promises are two - "I do" - (unless, of course, if you want to pirate it up and use "Yargh").
But I digress.
I'm only twenty years old so I don't have too much life experience.
However, I must admit that this particular word completely knocked me off my feet. Of course, the circumstance must be very particular - the speaker of the word, how this person says it, the history of the two of you; the list goes on. And the circumstance which it was uttered, at least for me, was very particular, and worked out in my benefit. Very much. I have no idea if it means anything, really. Who's to say? But it still makes me feel good just thinking about it.
The word? It wasn't love or fuck nor was it amen or hallelujah. It wasn't a yes or a no. It wasn't a maybe or a like.
It was hello.
Do you really know what the word hello means? It means 'I notice you and I want you to know that I want to acknowledge you.' If someone you don't know (especially a cute, really tall basketball player) tells you hello, you should realize just how lucky you are. In that one instance, you're special.
Now, I finally get why Renee Zellweger said and Beyonce sang, "You had me at hello." I get it now.
And hopefully, more hellos will follow. :)
But I digress.
I'm only twenty years old so I don't have too much life experience.
However, I must admit that this particular word completely knocked me off my feet. Of course, the circumstance must be very particular - the speaker of the word, how this person says it, the history of the two of you; the list goes on. And the circumstance which it was uttered, at least for me, was very particular, and worked out in my benefit. Very much. I have no idea if it means anything, really. Who's to say? But it still makes me feel good just thinking about it.
The word? It wasn't love or fuck nor was it amen or hallelujah. It wasn't a yes or a no. It wasn't a maybe or a like.
It was hello.
Do you really know what the word hello means? It means 'I notice you and I want you to know that I want to acknowledge you.' If someone you don't know (especially a cute, really tall basketball player) tells you hello, you should realize just how lucky you are. In that one instance, you're special.
Now, I finally get why Renee Zellweger said and Beyonce sang, "You had me at hello." I get it now.
And hopefully, more hellos will follow. :)
Monday, February 1, 2010
A particular sort of life experience
Okay, so for those of you who don't know me, I am highly attracted to older men. Like, seriously. It's strange and off-kilter but it never really bothered me all that much.
But I have a surprise for all of you.
The guy that I am crushing on right now (Can a twenty year old 'crush' on someone?) is a year younger than me. Right. I know. (And no, he is not cute guy in my math class who looks like Aaron Eckhart.) Let me give you a little time to digest that for a moment.
Okay. Are you good?
Let's get on with it then. Anyways, I went to the homecoming game which was last Wednesday (homecoming game being basketball, not football) on some whim. Thank you intuition. And a lot of the players are in my criminal justice classes because the coach is friends with my professor and tells his players to take the classes because they're easy. And they are. But that's beside the point.
And I recognized this guy from my class, and there was this immediate attraction to him. When he played, I could not take my eyes off of him. He was like this bright, burning flame and I was this moth, hopeless from the moment that my eyes caught sight of him.
Now, I'm a complete wreck. In the best sort of way. You know how when you're in middle school and you have a crush on the jock while you're the shy artistic nerd and he suddenly becomes the sun to your earth - you completely revolve around him? Yeah, that's me but at a college level. I mean, time goes fast when he's around and slow when he's not, but he's not my entire life. He's more like the moon to my earth. I think about him a lot, but only at certain points in time because I have a life besides him, and my life doesn't feel over when he's not there because I know I'll see him eventually.
I have no idea if he even knows I'm alive. I mean, I think he's glanced over at me a couple of times, but I can't exactly tell at a basketball game. And I would talk to him except he sits on the right side of the room in class while I'm in the middle. Hell, I don't even know if he even knows my name.
But since I've matured (shocking but true), I've learned that I need to live in the now, and who knows if anything will happen between us? But it makes me feel good while I'm here so I had better enjoy it. It's been nearly two years since my last relationship, and I'm at the point where I do want a new, fresh, healthy relationship. If it lasts a day or a year, it doesn't matter. I just want to fall for a little while.
And though I'm keeping my options open, I'm hoping it will be with this guy just because it'll be new, different, and exciting.
And one hell of a life experience.
But I have a surprise for all of you.
The guy that I am crushing on right now (Can a twenty year old 'crush' on someone?) is a year younger than me. Right. I know. (And no, he is not cute guy in my math class who looks like Aaron Eckhart.) Let me give you a little time to digest that for a moment.
Okay. Are you good?
Let's get on with it then. Anyways, I went to the homecoming game which was last Wednesday (homecoming game being basketball, not football) on some whim. Thank you intuition. And a lot of the players are in my criminal justice classes because the coach is friends with my professor and tells his players to take the classes because they're easy. And they are. But that's beside the point.
And I recognized this guy from my class, and there was this immediate attraction to him. When he played, I could not take my eyes off of him. He was like this bright, burning flame and I was this moth, hopeless from the moment that my eyes caught sight of him.
Now, I'm a complete wreck. In the best sort of way. You know how when you're in middle school and you have a crush on the jock while you're the shy artistic nerd and he suddenly becomes the sun to your earth - you completely revolve around him? Yeah, that's me but at a college level. I mean, time goes fast when he's around and slow when he's not, but he's not my entire life. He's more like the moon to my earth. I think about him a lot, but only at certain points in time because I have a life besides him, and my life doesn't feel over when he's not there because I know I'll see him eventually.
I have no idea if he even knows I'm alive. I mean, I think he's glanced over at me a couple of times, but I can't exactly tell at a basketball game. And I would talk to him except he sits on the right side of the room in class while I'm in the middle. Hell, I don't even know if he even knows my name.
But since I've matured (shocking but true), I've learned that I need to live in the now, and who knows if anything will happen between us? But it makes me feel good while I'm here so I had better enjoy it. It's been nearly two years since my last relationship, and I'm at the point where I do want a new, fresh, healthy relationship. If it lasts a day or a year, it doesn't matter. I just want to fall for a little while.
And though I'm keeping my options open, I'm hoping it will be with this guy just because it'll be new, different, and exciting.
And one hell of a life experience.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Johnny Depp is not dead
I hate internet death rumors, but I haven't really been affected by them.
Up until this one, where apparently Johnny Depp died instantly in a car crash in Bordeaux, France, and the crash was induced by alcohol.
I wouldn't let myself believe it until I did some research, and of course, the whole thing is bullshit.
I don't understand why people do what they do, nor do I understand why people need attention by saying a beloved celebrity has died. Especially my beloved celebrity. If they hurt him, they hurt me too, and that's that.
I really don't even want to think about what would happen if he really had passed. I can't. So I won't. But I know when he does, he'll be immortal because that's just the way he is. And if anything, he'll live forever in my poems, my stories, my essays, my clothes, my movies, my posters, my journal, and most importantly, my heart. Because I won't let him die.
Up until this one, where apparently Johnny Depp died instantly in a car crash in Bordeaux, France, and the crash was induced by alcohol.
I wouldn't let myself believe it until I did some research, and of course, the whole thing is bullshit.
I don't understand why people do what they do, nor do I understand why people need attention by saying a beloved celebrity has died. Especially my beloved celebrity. If they hurt him, they hurt me too, and that's that.
I really don't even want to think about what would happen if he really had passed. I can't. So I won't. But I know when he does, he'll be immortal because that's just the way he is. And if anything, he'll live forever in my poems, my stories, my essays, my clothes, my movies, my posters, my journal, and most importantly, my heart. Because I won't let him die.
Friday, January 22, 2010
A connection of sorts
Today is the second anniversay of Heath Ledger's passing.
Last year, I wrote a song about him, one that I'm really proud of. This year, I'm hoping to see The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, his last work (and the fact that Johnny Depp is also in it is just icing on the cake).
When Heath was alive, I thought he was incredibly talented, but I honestly felt indifferent about him. I loved him in 10 Things I Hate About You and A Knight's Tale, but Johnny Depp has always been my number one. But I have to admit that instead of being the typical pretty boy actor, he did quirky things. In fact, he wanted to have Johnny Depp's career - he wanted to choose things, not based on how much money it would make, but because of a script.
The day he died, I was in the car with my ex-boyfriend and his mom, and they were taking me home. We were listening to KIIS FM, and when the announcement was made, I didn't believe it. I couldn't. When I got home, I immediately went on Perez Hilton and there, in black and white, was the truth. He had died.
The first thing I did was call my best friend Jessie. We weren't really talking then, due to said ex-boyfriend, but that didn't matter to me. When we were in middle school, we divided our men, as we called them. I had Johnny Depp and Billy Boyd while she had Orlando Bloom and Heath Ledger. In a way, we bonded over Heath Ledger, and through his death, we eventually managed to save our friendship and become best friends once more.
Then there was The Dark Knight. I, like everyone else, saw it for Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker. It was, by far, his best performance. I don't believe that the role killed him at all. And I believe he truly deserved his Oscar, his Golden Globe, and every other award he won postmortem. I don't care that he died when he won. He deserved them. He was already getting Oscar talk BEFORE he died. Just because he died shouldn't change anything.
I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about him because I never met him, I wasn't crazy about him when he was alive, and truly, I'm no one special. But I feel this connection to him now that he isn't there. I talk to him sometimes, and I like to think that somehow, he listens. I'm not sure why I feel this strongly about someone in death rather than life, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Currently, I have pictures of him hanging in my room. He's smiling in all of them - you know, that boyish, disarming smile - and it's bittersweet for me to look at them. But it always makes me smile. Actually, he always makes me smile.
It's definitely weird, being connected to someone I don't even know. But we're all connected in some way, aren't we, more so than with others?
And connections, especially strong ones, are always muses in disguise. Why do you think I'm constantly writing about Johnny Depp?
But this day belongs to Heath, and to commemorate him, here is a part of the song I wrote for him last year. It might not mean a lot, but it does so for me.
Heath likes to caress my face
With a delicate feather from his wings
And I try so hard to stay awake
Because I don’t want him to leave just yet
He whispers promises in my ear
And it sounds just like a bittersweet lullaby
He wipes the tears from my eyes
And disappears with the night
Last year, I wrote a song about him, one that I'm really proud of. This year, I'm hoping to see The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, his last work (and the fact that Johnny Depp is also in it is just icing on the cake).
When Heath was alive, I thought he was incredibly talented, but I honestly felt indifferent about him. I loved him in 10 Things I Hate About You and A Knight's Tale, but Johnny Depp has always been my number one. But I have to admit that instead of being the typical pretty boy actor, he did quirky things. In fact, he wanted to have Johnny Depp's career - he wanted to choose things, not based on how much money it would make, but because of a script.
The day he died, I was in the car with my ex-boyfriend and his mom, and they were taking me home. We were listening to KIIS FM, and when the announcement was made, I didn't believe it. I couldn't. When I got home, I immediately went on Perez Hilton and there, in black and white, was the truth. He had died.
The first thing I did was call my best friend Jessie. We weren't really talking then, due to said ex-boyfriend, but that didn't matter to me. When we were in middle school, we divided our men, as we called them. I had Johnny Depp and Billy Boyd while she had Orlando Bloom and Heath Ledger. In a way, we bonded over Heath Ledger, and through his death, we eventually managed to save our friendship and become best friends once more.
Then there was The Dark Knight. I, like everyone else, saw it for Heath Ledger's portrayal of The Joker. It was, by far, his best performance. I don't believe that the role killed him at all. And I believe he truly deserved his Oscar, his Golden Globe, and every other award he won postmortem. I don't care that he died when he won. He deserved them. He was already getting Oscar talk BEFORE he died. Just because he died shouldn't change anything.
I'm not sure how to explain how I feel about him because I never met him, I wasn't crazy about him when he was alive, and truly, I'm no one special. But I feel this connection to him now that he isn't there. I talk to him sometimes, and I like to think that somehow, he listens. I'm not sure why I feel this strongly about someone in death rather than life, but I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Currently, I have pictures of him hanging in my room. He's smiling in all of them - you know, that boyish, disarming smile - and it's bittersweet for me to look at them. But it always makes me smile. Actually, he always makes me smile.
It's definitely weird, being connected to someone I don't even know. But we're all connected in some way, aren't we, more so than with others?
And connections, especially strong ones, are always muses in disguise. Why do you think I'm constantly writing about Johnny Depp?
But this day belongs to Heath, and to commemorate him, here is a part of the song I wrote for him last year. It might not mean a lot, but it does so for me.
Heath likes to caress my face
With a delicate feather from his wings
And I try so hard to stay awake
Because I don’t want him to leave just yet
He whispers promises in my ear
And it sounds just like a bittersweet lullaby
He wipes the tears from my eyes
And disappears with the night
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Dear Cute Guy who sits two rows in front of me in my math class and looks like Aaron Eckhart except with a squared face
Hi.
So you probably don't know me - actually, you don't know me. At all. I'm not even sure you know I exist except I think you were looking at me once. But I can't be certain.
But my heart jumps a little bit whenever you walk into class and my eyes stray over to you as the teacher starts talking about sets and subsets and everything that I can't remember off the top of my head.
I'm sorry. Sometimes, I ramble a bit. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I haven't felt this way in a while. Not that I'm in love with you or even like you in that way. But you make me nervous, and being nervous around a cute boy is always welcome. It makes me feel silly and I really like feeling silly.
So thank you.
--Heather (The blonde girl with freckles.)
P.S. - If you could just acknowledge my presence in any way, it would make my day.
So you probably don't know me - actually, you don't know me. At all. I'm not even sure you know I exist except I think you were looking at me once. But I can't be certain.
But my heart jumps a little bit whenever you walk into class and my eyes stray over to you as the teacher starts talking about sets and subsets and everything that I can't remember off the top of my head.
I'm sorry. Sometimes, I ramble a bit. Anyways, I just wanted to tell you that I haven't felt this way in a while. Not that I'm in love with you or even like you in that way. But you make me nervous, and being nervous around a cute boy is always welcome. It makes me feel silly and I really like feeling silly.
So thank you.
--Heather (The blonde girl with freckles.)
P.S. - If you could just acknowledge my presence in any way, it would make my day.
Monday, January 18, 2010
There's just something about Robert Downey, Jr.
When I was a kid and Ally McBeal was still a show that my parents were enthused about watching, I remember catching the previews for it on my favorite television network, Fox. And to this day, I remember seeing Robert Downey, Jr. as some lawyer who I can't remember. But even at ten years old, I knew there was something special about him. I can't explain why or how or anything like that, but I knew I was drawn to him.
Then, a few years after that, me and my now ex-boyfriend went to see Zodiac, and there he was again. Though Robert's (I may call him Robert?) part wasn't big, it didn't matter. He still had his easy charm and confident swagger that caused him to steal every scene he was in.
When I had first encountered Robert, I was too young to comprehend all the scandal and problems he was going through. After watching Zodiac, I knew more about it and felt that he was truly coming to his own, that no matter how many times he came back in this entertainment world, he would somehow succeed. I try to rtationalize why, at my age and with my uninformed mind, I believed in him. He would get clean and be okay and then he wouldn't. It was like a bad cycle that seemed endless. But me trying to think logically about faith would be like trying to define love. It's not quite possible. All I knew at the time was that somehow, he was going to succeed, and I would be one of the many people behind him, not the first in line but definitely not the last, waiting for that day.
That day finally came when Iron Man opened with Robert as the star. He was a super-hero; an arrogant, intelligent, and very attractive super-hero. The ultimate deadly weapon and an exaggerated version of the actor himself. The cast, the script, the effects, and Mr. Jon Favreau as director were all superb. There wasn't just one person who made the movie. But I went because of Robert (and because my brother wanted to see it). That was Robert's comeback, and since then, he's been on fire.
His beautiful wife is probably the biggest reason he's stayed on the straight and narrow, along with his beloved son. (This, of course, is all conjecture on my part, so please don't quote me.) But above all else, Robert had to want it. He had to want to be clean, better, focused.
And we are so lucky he wanted it badly enough.
Last night, Robert won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes even though the safe choice would have been Daniel Day-Lewis in Nine. Both phenominal actors nominated with other amazing actors. But Robert has never been the safe choice which is probably why I bet on him in the first place.
What can I say? He hasn't let me down yet.
Then, a few years after that, me and my now ex-boyfriend went to see Zodiac, and there he was again. Though Robert's (I may call him Robert?) part wasn't big, it didn't matter. He still had his easy charm and confident swagger that caused him to steal every scene he was in.
When I had first encountered Robert, I was too young to comprehend all the scandal and problems he was going through. After watching Zodiac, I knew more about it and felt that he was truly coming to his own, that no matter how many times he came back in this entertainment world, he would somehow succeed. I try to rtationalize why, at my age and with my uninformed mind, I believed in him. He would get clean and be okay and then he wouldn't. It was like a bad cycle that seemed endless. But me trying to think logically about faith would be like trying to define love. It's not quite possible. All I knew at the time was that somehow, he was going to succeed, and I would be one of the many people behind him, not the first in line but definitely not the last, waiting for that day.
That day finally came when Iron Man opened with Robert as the star. He was a super-hero; an arrogant, intelligent, and very attractive super-hero. The ultimate deadly weapon and an exaggerated version of the actor himself. The cast, the script, the effects, and Mr. Jon Favreau as director were all superb. There wasn't just one person who made the movie. But I went because of Robert (and because my brother wanted to see it). That was Robert's comeback, and since then, he's been on fire.
His beautiful wife is probably the biggest reason he's stayed on the straight and narrow, along with his beloved son. (This, of course, is all conjecture on my part, so please don't quote me.) But above all else, Robert had to want it. He had to want to be clean, better, focused.
And we are so lucky he wanted it badly enough.
Last night, Robert won a Golden Globe for his portrayal of Sherlock Holmes even though the safe choice would have been Daniel Day-Lewis in Nine. Both phenominal actors nominated with other amazing actors. But Robert has never been the safe choice which is probably why I bet on him in the first place.
What can I say? He hasn't let me down yet.
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