Sundays are usually reserved for relaxation, for groaning because Monday brings school or work or waking up early to take your brother to school... But I digress. So I wanted to talk about things this week that have made me happy and what I'm looking forward to this week. Ready? Okay!
1) Hockey is BACK! Well, almost. I attended the Ducks' training camp the past two days and it gets me super-excited for the season. Getzy and Perry were pushing each other (playfully, of course!), Bobby Ryan was goofing around with his teammates, Hiller was nearly back to his best (but vertigo is scary to have for a starting goalie), and my personal favorite Dan Ellis, is on top of his game! I also found a couple of players to watch out for (crossing my fingers that they make the team): Andrew Gordon and Mark Bell.
2) I start school on Thursday. I'm a bit nervous (I know an actual university is different from a community college but I'm not quite sure what those differences are yet and as such, can't prepare) but the closer it gets, the more excited I am. I am planning to go to sporting events (Why can't UCI have a football team? Why?) and socialize. I'm hoping that UCI is where I'll belong, not just for academics but because I care about the school as a whole. Plus, there's a bunch of cool activities during Welcome Week including screening X-Men: First Class on the Green.
3) Demi Lovato's new album comes out on Tuesday. I love her, her voice, and her songs, and I am looking forward to hearing what she has to offer.
4) TV. I'm a confessed couch potato who works out, okay? All my favorite shows premiere this week (Community, The Office, Glee, How I Met Your Mother, Modern Family) and new shows that I'm looking forward to checking out (Whitney, Two Broke Girls, The New Girl, The X-Factor, Last Man Standing) and new shows that I checked out last week that I like (Free Agents, Up All Night). Granted, I will/have watched a lot of these on my computer because I can't watch everyone at once. I'm sad that I have to wait until October for Bones and all year until True Blood. But I'm sure some shows (and hockey) will tide me over.
5) Skyjack: The Hunt for D.B. Cooper by Geoffrey Gray. You know my love for Depression-Era gangsters. D.B. Cooper is kind of like that, but for the 1970's. He's polite and charming and jumped out of a flying airplane with two hundred thousand dollars strapped to his chest on a rainy night after threatening to blow up said plane with a bomb. No one was harmed and to this day, nobody knows who Mr. Cooper really is. I love this stuff. Especially when the author wrote about an old woman who compared D.B. Cooper to John Dillinger. The gangster-geek in me squealed like a school girl! If you're into this kind of stuff, I definitely recommend it!
What about you? Any things you're looking forward to this week?
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Fictionpress Friday
Okay, first off, I apologize for my usage of cheesy alliteration. But I love it. I think it's clever as well as cheesy.
These posts probably won't be as long as the writing or personal posts because these are merely tips. I figure you might be here to read about writing, possibly to read about me (I hope I'm not boring you too much), but some might want to learn how to break into Fictionpress. As you may (or may not) know, I'm a writer on Fictionpress. All of my stories (besides my one-shots) have over two hundred reviews. My goal has always to be a published writer. To be a published writer, you need to be able to sell your books. Fictionpress is a good way to practice that so I'm here to offer tips that have worked for me. I hope they help!
Tip #1: Have a good story. Common sense, right? But you'd be surprised how many stories out there that aren't great or understandable or just plain unrelatable. Some of my stories are original - I come up with the plot, characters, and everything else. Some of my stories are modern takes of classic stories so my plot is already outlined, my characters are defined, but I have to give them my voice. And some of my stories take certain plots or characters from movies and I tweak them in the way that I want. I don't have to worry about keeping them "in-character" because I'm not writing fanfiction, and I try and give them my own unique spin.
A way to write a good story is to take your favorite fairytale and write it with your voice. Modernize it. Switch sexes. (Instead of Cinderella meeting her prince, maybe a guy on the wrong side of the tracks meets a spoiled rich girl who's more than just a pretty face.) Be creative. It's your story. And since the theme is universal - and there's romance - people will relate to it.
But you won't get hits if you don't have a well-written stories, well-rounded characters, a hook for a summary, and a catchy title. We'll talk about those later on, though. For now, choose a story/fairytale/plot you want to explore and write!
These posts probably won't be as long as the writing or personal posts because these are merely tips. I figure you might be here to read about writing, possibly to read about me (I hope I'm not boring you too much), but some might want to learn how to break into Fictionpress. As you may (or may not) know, I'm a writer on Fictionpress. All of my stories (besides my one-shots) have over two hundred reviews. My goal has always to be a published writer. To be a published writer, you need to be able to sell your books. Fictionpress is a good way to practice that so I'm here to offer tips that have worked for me. I hope they help!
Tip #1: Have a good story. Common sense, right? But you'd be surprised how many stories out there that aren't great or understandable or just plain unrelatable. Some of my stories are original - I come up with the plot, characters, and everything else. Some of my stories are modern takes of classic stories so my plot is already outlined, my characters are defined, but I have to give them my voice. And some of my stories take certain plots or characters from movies and I tweak them in the way that I want. I don't have to worry about keeping them "in-character" because I'm not writing fanfiction, and I try and give them my own unique spin.
A way to write a good story is to take your favorite fairytale and write it with your voice. Modernize it. Switch sexes. (Instead of Cinderella meeting her prince, maybe a guy on the wrong side of the tracks meets a spoiled rich girl who's more than just a pretty face.) Be creative. It's your story. And since the theme is universal - and there's romance - people will relate to it.
But you won't get hits if you don't have a well-written stories, well-rounded characters, a hook for a summary, and a catchy title. We'll talk about those later on, though. For now, choose a story/fairytale/plot you want to explore and write!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Writing Wednesday: Writing
I've shared a lot of personal stories with you. I've talked about guys and hockey and Johnny Depp. I figure I should probably talk about writing, since I'm a writer. Just know that this is what works for me. Since writing is so subjective, it may or may not work for you. But I've found that reading all I can about writing - whether I agree or not - is just as helpful as writing itself.
Today, I want to talk to you about writing, literally.
I'm working on two different manuscripts: one is going through the revisions process and one I'm writing the first draft for. The first one, I typed on my computer. The second, I wrote with my hand and then typed up the draft onto the computer. Both work, obviously.
But I've found that when I write my story out, I connect with my characters better. I can't explain why. Perhaps it's because the act of writing is more personal, more raw, than simply typing everything up on a computer. But I learn more about them, I get inspired more, and for whatever reason, my writing is better.
However, there are plenty of downsides to writing: your hand hurts. I'm left-handed, so I'm definitely left with a smudge. It takes longer. My grammar and spelling aren't thoroughly checked. I can't tell how many words I've written.
Still, though, I prefer writing.
As I'm revising the first novel, any rewrites I do happen on paper. My description gets more poignant and again, I learn more about these characters and get more personal than I would have had I simply typed everything up a second time.
So I write. And write. And my hand hurts. And I smudge.
But it's worth it.
What about you? Do you type everything up, or do you write it out first?
Today, I want to talk to you about writing, literally.
I'm working on two different manuscripts: one is going through the revisions process and one I'm writing the first draft for. The first one, I typed on my computer. The second, I wrote with my hand and then typed up the draft onto the computer. Both work, obviously.
But I've found that when I write my story out, I connect with my characters better. I can't explain why. Perhaps it's because the act of writing is more personal, more raw, than simply typing everything up on a computer. But I learn more about them, I get inspired more, and for whatever reason, my writing is better.
However, there are plenty of downsides to writing: your hand hurts. I'm left-handed, so I'm definitely left with a smudge. It takes longer. My grammar and spelling aren't thoroughly checked. I can't tell how many words I've written.
Still, though, I prefer writing.
As I'm revising the first novel, any rewrites I do happen on paper. My description gets more poignant and again, I learn more about these characters and get more personal than I would have had I simply typed everything up a second time.
So I write. And write. And my hand hurts. And I smudge.
But it's worth it.
What about you? Do you type everything up, or do you write it out first?
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Vampires done right
I usually don't do these posts. I love reading books and if I were to review every book I read, I wouldn't be able to write anything. But if you like vampires (real vampires, not ones that refrain from eating meat and sparkle), go read the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead, and then go read Bloodlines by the same author.
I'm obsessed.
My only qualm is that I have to wait until June of next year until the next book comes out.
I'm obsessed.
My only qualm is that I have to wait until June of next year until the next book comes out.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
People pleasing, happiness, and respect
I am a people-pleaser.*
*Note: I didn't say was. I am.
But I'm learning how to be a positive people pleaser rather than a negative one.
What's the difference, you ask? Instead of focusing solely on what other people want, I'm taking into account what I want.
I don't know what changed to make me care more about me in terms of what other people want. I know I'm not the type of girl who goes on dates with guys simply because they ask and I feel bad I don't like them in that way so they get a pity yes. As I'm sure you're all aware, I don't like to waste my time.
I think it started around the time Goatboy and I broke up and my best friend and I had a falling out. Both of those effects stemmed from a cause: I started telling them what I wanted and/or I started standing up for myself. When it came to me and Goatboy, we had been together just over nine months and I was beginning to feel like I was in limbo, waiting around for something I wasn't sure was going to actually happen. Nine months together and we had yet to make our relationship official. When I'm with someone, I give my all. There's no room for half-way when it comes to me, and I was beginning to feel exhausted at pouring all of me into the relationship when he was only giving me a bit of him. Of course, I now realize that he was giving me all he possibly could, all he had, but he couldn't fully commit. And as much as I loved him - he was my first real love, after all - it wasn't enough. And, still in sync, we seemed to realize it at the same time and parted ways mutually with the promise of maintaining our friendship.
When it comes to the friend situation, I confronted her about not inviting me to her little sister's sixth grade graduation, inviting someone else in my place who, while my friend too, didn't have the same relationship with that girl that I did. And my best friend knew it. Her little sister and I were incredibly close to the point where I considered her to be my little sister. And I told my friend I wanted to come, and despite this, she didn't invite me, even though she invited our other friend over Facebook and it would have been rather easy to copy and paste that comment onto my Wall, but she didn't. That's not the end, though. The guy that she's been in love with - let's call him A - randomly started flirting with me on Facebook. I didn't respond to the flirting, but he kept doing so. So my friend blocked me on Facebook. She threw seven years of friendship away because her unrequited love was flirting with me - flirting which I ignored and even tried to thwart.
How do you know it was because of A?
Because I checked and she blocked him too.
It was the final straw. She gave up our friendship because of a guy who didn't return her sentiments, without even having the decency to ask my side.
But this isn't where the story ends, folks.
A asked me out.
I've never been interested in him that way and though me and my friend were over, I'd still never do something like that to her. So I said I'd love to hang but we didn't have to date. As guys are wont to do, he mistook my meaning and we decided we'd go hiking the following week. I came clean the day before thanks to my anxiety at doing something intimate alone with a guy when I'd rather be at home reading, telling him I had just gotten out of a relationship, I didn't want to date because I didn't want to lead anyone on, and I certainly wasn't ready for anything serious. He took the message well, going so far as to tell me he respected me even more because of my honesty.
You'd think that would be the end of it, right?
Haha. No.
He kept inviting me to go hiking, to go to the movies. Sometimes, I'd ignore the texts, sometimes I'd respond a long while after, telling him I was hanging out with my brother.
I didn't understand: couldn't he take a hint? I don't want to date him. We were barely friends, barely knew each other. As unsocial as it sounds, if I'm not interested in being friends with you, I'm not going to waste gas and my time hanging out with you.
The climax came when he texted me at one in the morning with the simple message: Help me. You read that right. Help me. Um, I keep my phone on vibrate at night specifically for this very reason: if one of my friends need me. Middle of the night calls/texts are reserved for emergencies (at least with me since my real friends know I go to bed early). On top of that, it took a while for me to finally fall asleep and I had a doctor's appointment really early in the morning.
So I sent a snappish text in return, asking him what he needed my help with at one in the morning.
He replied with something along the lines of how cranky I was in the early morning. Note that he had yet to tell me what he needed help with and actually apologize.
Um, yes. So I told him I had a doctor's appointment and was fast asleep before he woke me up.
He seemed to think this was funny because he literally wrote "LOL sorry damn." Or something like that.
I was so pissed, I didn't respond.
How dare he? Who the eff did he think he was?
No kiddies, the story isn't over. I know. I can't believe it either.
It was a week before he texted me, asking me to go on another hike with him and a group of friends. But here's the kicker: he called me grouchy.
That pissed me off more than I can comprehend. I hate when people think they're closer to me than they really are and, as such, seem to think they're entitled to treat me more intimate than what propriety actually calls for.
I thought about how I was supposed to respond for a while before coming up with something that stated how the fact that he texted me at one in the morning and the way he handled my less than enthusiastic reaction was completely inappropriate. I reminded him we've never hung out and we barely know each other and that, while I thought he was a decent guy, I didn't want to hang out with him at all.
His response? Haha, k.
Okay, I was upset but whatever. I thought I wouldn't be hearing from him after that.
I thought wrong.
A few hours later, he texted me this really long message asking me why I was so upset, how he thought I was going through something in my life that I was taking out on him (are you effing kidding me?) and all he was doing was inviting me to go on a hike, and by the way, he already apologized for that text.
Yeah, my mouth still drops open when I think about it.
I had two options: I could respond or I could let it go.
While I wanted nothing more than to point out his stupidity at not taking a hint and completely overstepping the proper boundaries of Facebook friendship, I decided to let it go. His behavior was already worrisome and I didn't want aggravate it any more because I wasn't sure how he'd react in terms of harassing me. Plus, if he couldn't see how inappropriate his behavior was, even with me telling him, than there was no way I could make him understand.
So, why am I telling these personal (and probably boring) stories? Because going through each one, and ending with what I went through with A taught me something. I've always said the universe is working WITH you and never AGAINST you. But if you work against yourself, what is the universe supposed to do?
Standing up for myself, even though it was hard and hurt and painful, was the best thing I ever did. I'm not worried about how Goatboy truly feels about me and if I can really depend on him anymore. I'm not trying to be the perfect best friend when she doesn't take me all that seriously and treat me the way I deserve to be treated anymore. And I'm not going to let some guy make me roll over because of his incessant persistence and lack of understanding of the word no.
Here's how I see it: the moment I start respecting myself to the point of action then I'll attract people who will respect me. It's common sense, right? Well, I'm the type of girl that has to feel it to understand, rather than simply know it.
I still like making people happy. I realize that upon meeting people I admire or the cute guy in my class, I will never be the mysterious siren oozing sexuality. I'm not cool. I'll be uber-polite, probably blushing and smiling way too much girl. But, the things is, I'd rather be sweet than sexy. (Most of the time.) Because that's who I am. However, I'm not going to sacrifice my self-respect over it, especially to people who really don't deserve to be in my life anyways.
We all deserve happiness. The universe wants nothing more than to make us happy. But you have to help too. Sometimes, happiness is a result of letting something you cherish, something you love with all your heart and will still probably love for the rest of your life, go. Your happiness is more important than theirs. You are the first person you should want to please. Because you're worthy of it.
*Note: I didn't say was. I am.
But I'm learning how to be a positive people pleaser rather than a negative one.
What's the difference, you ask? Instead of focusing solely on what other people want, I'm taking into account what I want.
I don't know what changed to make me care more about me in terms of what other people want. I know I'm not the type of girl who goes on dates with guys simply because they ask and I feel bad I don't like them in that way so they get a pity yes. As I'm sure you're all aware, I don't like to waste my time.
I think it started around the time Goatboy and I broke up and my best friend and I had a falling out. Both of those effects stemmed from a cause: I started telling them what I wanted and/or I started standing up for myself. When it came to me and Goatboy, we had been together just over nine months and I was beginning to feel like I was in limbo, waiting around for something I wasn't sure was going to actually happen. Nine months together and we had yet to make our relationship official. When I'm with someone, I give my all. There's no room for half-way when it comes to me, and I was beginning to feel exhausted at pouring all of me into the relationship when he was only giving me a bit of him. Of course, I now realize that he was giving me all he possibly could, all he had, but he couldn't fully commit. And as much as I loved him - he was my first real love, after all - it wasn't enough. And, still in sync, we seemed to realize it at the same time and parted ways mutually with the promise of maintaining our friendship.
When it comes to the friend situation, I confronted her about not inviting me to her little sister's sixth grade graduation, inviting someone else in my place who, while my friend too, didn't have the same relationship with that girl that I did. And my best friend knew it. Her little sister and I were incredibly close to the point where I considered her to be my little sister. And I told my friend I wanted to come, and despite this, she didn't invite me, even though she invited our other friend over Facebook and it would have been rather easy to copy and paste that comment onto my Wall, but she didn't. That's not the end, though. The guy that she's been in love with - let's call him A - randomly started flirting with me on Facebook. I didn't respond to the flirting, but he kept doing so. So my friend blocked me on Facebook. She threw seven years of friendship away because her unrequited love was flirting with me - flirting which I ignored and even tried to thwart.
How do you know it was because of A?
Because I checked and she blocked him too.
It was the final straw. She gave up our friendship because of a guy who didn't return her sentiments, without even having the decency to ask my side.
But this isn't where the story ends, folks.
A asked me out.
I've never been interested in him that way and though me and my friend were over, I'd still never do something like that to her. So I said I'd love to hang but we didn't have to date. As guys are wont to do, he mistook my meaning and we decided we'd go hiking the following week. I came clean the day before thanks to my anxiety at doing something intimate alone with a guy when I'd rather be at home reading, telling him I had just gotten out of a relationship, I didn't want to date because I didn't want to lead anyone on, and I certainly wasn't ready for anything serious. He took the message well, going so far as to tell me he respected me even more because of my honesty.
You'd think that would be the end of it, right?
Haha. No.
He kept inviting me to go hiking, to go to the movies. Sometimes, I'd ignore the texts, sometimes I'd respond a long while after, telling him I was hanging out with my brother.
I didn't understand: couldn't he take a hint? I don't want to date him. We were barely friends, barely knew each other. As unsocial as it sounds, if I'm not interested in being friends with you, I'm not going to waste gas and my time hanging out with you.
The climax came when he texted me at one in the morning with the simple message: Help me. You read that right. Help me. Um, I keep my phone on vibrate at night specifically for this very reason: if one of my friends need me. Middle of the night calls/texts are reserved for emergencies (at least with me since my real friends know I go to bed early). On top of that, it took a while for me to finally fall asleep and I had a doctor's appointment really early in the morning.
So I sent a snappish text in return, asking him what he needed my help with at one in the morning.
He replied with something along the lines of how cranky I was in the early morning. Note that he had yet to tell me what he needed help with and actually apologize.
Um, yes. So I told him I had a doctor's appointment and was fast asleep before he woke me up.
He seemed to think this was funny because he literally wrote "LOL sorry damn." Or something like that.
I was so pissed, I didn't respond.
How dare he? Who the eff did he think he was?
No kiddies, the story isn't over. I know. I can't believe it either.
It was a week before he texted me, asking me to go on another hike with him and a group of friends. But here's the kicker: he called me grouchy.
That pissed me off more than I can comprehend. I hate when people think they're closer to me than they really are and, as such, seem to think they're entitled to treat me more intimate than what propriety actually calls for.
I thought about how I was supposed to respond for a while before coming up with something that stated how the fact that he texted me at one in the morning and the way he handled my less than enthusiastic reaction was completely inappropriate. I reminded him we've never hung out and we barely know each other and that, while I thought he was a decent guy, I didn't want to hang out with him at all.
His response? Haha, k.
Okay, I was upset but whatever. I thought I wouldn't be hearing from him after that.
I thought wrong.
A few hours later, he texted me this really long message asking me why I was so upset, how he thought I was going through something in my life that I was taking out on him (are you effing kidding me?) and all he was doing was inviting me to go on a hike, and by the way, he already apologized for that text.
Yeah, my mouth still drops open when I think about it.
I had two options: I could respond or I could let it go.
While I wanted nothing more than to point out his stupidity at not taking a hint and completely overstepping the proper boundaries of Facebook friendship, I decided to let it go. His behavior was already worrisome and I didn't want aggravate it any more because I wasn't sure how he'd react in terms of harassing me. Plus, if he couldn't see how inappropriate his behavior was, even with me telling him, than there was no way I could make him understand.
So, why am I telling these personal (and probably boring) stories? Because going through each one, and ending with what I went through with A taught me something. I've always said the universe is working WITH you and never AGAINST you. But if you work against yourself, what is the universe supposed to do?
Standing up for myself, even though it was hard and hurt and painful, was the best thing I ever did. I'm not worried about how Goatboy truly feels about me and if I can really depend on him anymore. I'm not trying to be the perfect best friend when she doesn't take me all that seriously and treat me the way I deserve to be treated anymore. And I'm not going to let some guy make me roll over because of his incessant persistence and lack of understanding of the word no.
Here's how I see it: the moment I start respecting myself to the point of action then I'll attract people who will respect me. It's common sense, right? Well, I'm the type of girl that has to feel it to understand, rather than simply know it.
I still like making people happy. I realize that upon meeting people I admire or the cute guy in my class, I will never be the mysterious siren oozing sexuality. I'm not cool. I'll be uber-polite, probably blushing and smiling way too much girl. But, the things is, I'd rather be sweet than sexy. (Most of the time.) Because that's who I am. However, I'm not going to sacrifice my self-respect over it, especially to people who really don't deserve to be in my life anyways.
We all deserve happiness. The universe wants nothing more than to make us happy. But you have to help too. Sometimes, happiness is a result of letting something you cherish, something you love with all your heart and will still probably love for the rest of your life, go. Your happiness is more important than theirs. You are the first person you should want to please. Because you're worthy of it.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Name Calling
Everyone who knows me knows I'm a HUGE hockey fan. I've been counting down the days till the start of the season, arranged my studying abroad around the season, and have reserved a section of wall in my room specifically for hockey pictures.
But when I'm watching the game - either at home or in the arena - I always hesitate before I start to cheer on a player by name. It's stupid and silly and ridiculous, but I always feel awkward shouting "Go Teemu!" when he has the puck only because who am I to address him by his first name? He hasn't given me leave to call him Teemu. And if I shouted "Go Mr. Selanne!" - whether at home or in person - people would look at me like I was off my rocker or something.
Okay then, Heather, you say, what about nicknames?
Um, I get upset when people call me something other than my name unless I know them. I don't think it would be right for me to address George Parros as Georgie or Ryan Getzlaf as Getzie without their permission.
However, I have no problem calling Cam Fowler 'Cam' because he's younger than I am. I'm traditional to the point of nausea, right?
I know, I know: I'm overthinking it and I should just call them by name. And I do. But I always hesitate because I don't like being presumptuous about something like that since it's basic etiquette.
Though, even I will admit that there are exceptions to every rule.
But when I'm watching the game - either at home or in the arena - I always hesitate before I start to cheer on a player by name. It's stupid and silly and ridiculous, but I always feel awkward shouting "Go Teemu!" when he has the puck only because who am I to address him by his first name? He hasn't given me leave to call him Teemu. And if I shouted "Go Mr. Selanne!" - whether at home or in person - people would look at me like I was off my rocker or something.
Okay then, Heather, you say, what about nicknames?
Um, I get upset when people call me something other than my name unless I know them. I don't think it would be right for me to address George Parros as Georgie or Ryan Getzlaf as Getzie without their permission.
However, I have no problem calling Cam Fowler 'Cam' because he's younger than I am. I'm traditional to the point of nausea, right?
I know, I know: I'm overthinking it and I should just call them by name. And I do. But I always hesitate because I don't like being presumptuous about something like that since it's basic etiquette.
Though, even I will admit that there are exceptions to every rule.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Getting Over Boys
I'm not a rebound kind of girl.
Well, after a relationship ends, I like when guys stare at me because it boosts my waning self-confidence. And yes, flirting is nice. But I don't throw myself into the arms of Random Boy #1 in order to get over an ex. Because to me, that's an impossible feat. Rebounds, to me, are replacements. And when it comes to my exes, they're irreplaceable. Even the bad ones.
I can't be with another guy because I'll be looking for my most recent ex in them and will be disappointed when I don't find what I'm looking for. The thing is, they'll never be him.
And that's okay.
The way I get over an ex is to throw myself into something completely unrelated. With this past relationship, I listened to Hilary Duff's "Holiday" about a hundred times and avoided any songs that might bring me to tears. I also refused to watch sappy romantic comedies because even though I know they're unrealistic, even I - the very optimistic but not very romantic girl - wanted to be what every heroine in those rom-coms is: the exception.
Because Goatboy was my exception. And in my naivety, I thought, You know, maybe it's not crazy to think that I'm his exception too.
Except life doesn't work that way. As tortuous as it is, just because he's mine doesn't mean I'm his. And I didn't want sappy movies to remind me of that.
I refused to write poems, and when I thought enough time had passed where it was safe to, I still cried writing them. I'm tearing up a bit, writing this.
And let me tell you, I am not a sap. Far from it. I can always tell when something is genuine in romantic comedies, and when something is just way too cheesy. And when it's cheesy, I can't help but laugh. While all the other women in the theatre are 'awing' and sniffling, I'm laughing. And I'm sorry to ruin the moment but I cannot help it.
But I think that's what makes me happy in this moment, right now. I'm hopeful. For the future. For my love life. Because even though Goatboy was (and is, and probably will always be, as first loves usually are) my exception, there will be others. And finding the one that sees you as his or her exception as well? Well, that's fate, isn't it?
I'm sure I won't find my One right now. Probably because I'm not quite over my previous relationship. Not yet, anyways. And I refuse to get into a relationship until I'm over the previous one. But with each passing day, a little bit of the pain fades. And a little piece of me grows back. Granted, he'll always have his piece of me and I'll forever love him. But my heart fills that gap with lessons I've learned, an updated version of what I want and don't want in a relationship, and a small, silver scar that will remind me of him.
As if I could forget.
And while I feel myself fully letting go of what was, I yearn for what will be.
And that happiness comes from what is now.
No, I don't do the whole rebound thing.
But I watch television shows with genuine guys I adore. With Number 24 way back last year, what got me over him was watching the first season of True Blood. And I saw how genuine Bill was, and how much he loved Sookie, and I realized that it was good riddance with Number 24. I wanted a guy like Bill. (Granted, this was season one. I have been Team Eric for a while now, thank you very much.)
And while I didn't find Bill in Goatboy, I found what I was looking for in that moment, and I didn't even realize it until we started dating.
And now, the thing getting me over Goatboy isn't Finn from Glee or Parker from Drop Dead Diva as I expected, but rather Professor Snape. From Harry Potter. No. I'm not kidding. It's probably the slew of talented authors over on Fanfiction.net that capture his character, make him such a well-rounded character that you'd be crazy not to fall in love with him.
Goatboy was everything I needed in those nine months we spent together, but now, I'm hoping for someone like Professor Snape. In all honesty, I probably won't find someone like the Potions Master. But I trust the universe to give me exactly what I need when I need it even (especially) if I, myself, don't know just what that is.
But hopefully, the universe will throw in that silky, seductive Alan Rickman voice when choosing my next romantic entanglement as icing on the cake.
Well, after a relationship ends, I like when guys stare at me because it boosts my waning self-confidence. And yes, flirting is nice. But I don't throw myself into the arms of Random Boy #1 in order to get over an ex. Because to me, that's an impossible feat. Rebounds, to me, are replacements. And when it comes to my exes, they're irreplaceable. Even the bad ones.
I can't be with another guy because I'll be looking for my most recent ex in them and will be disappointed when I don't find what I'm looking for. The thing is, they'll never be him.
And that's okay.
The way I get over an ex is to throw myself into something completely unrelated. With this past relationship, I listened to Hilary Duff's "Holiday" about a hundred times and avoided any songs that might bring me to tears. I also refused to watch sappy romantic comedies because even though I know they're unrealistic, even I - the very optimistic but not very romantic girl - wanted to be what every heroine in those rom-coms is: the exception.
Because Goatboy was my exception. And in my naivety, I thought, You know, maybe it's not crazy to think that I'm his exception too.
Except life doesn't work that way. As tortuous as it is, just because he's mine doesn't mean I'm his. And I didn't want sappy movies to remind me of that.
I refused to write poems, and when I thought enough time had passed where it was safe to, I still cried writing them. I'm tearing up a bit, writing this.
And let me tell you, I am not a sap. Far from it. I can always tell when something is genuine in romantic comedies, and when something is just way too cheesy. And when it's cheesy, I can't help but laugh. While all the other women in the theatre are 'awing' and sniffling, I'm laughing. And I'm sorry to ruin the moment but I cannot help it.
But I think that's what makes me happy in this moment, right now. I'm hopeful. For the future. For my love life. Because even though Goatboy was (and is, and probably will always be, as first loves usually are) my exception, there will be others. And finding the one that sees you as his or her exception as well? Well, that's fate, isn't it?
I'm sure I won't find my One right now. Probably because I'm not quite over my previous relationship. Not yet, anyways. And I refuse to get into a relationship until I'm over the previous one. But with each passing day, a little bit of the pain fades. And a little piece of me grows back. Granted, he'll always have his piece of me and I'll forever love him. But my heart fills that gap with lessons I've learned, an updated version of what I want and don't want in a relationship, and a small, silver scar that will remind me of him.
As if I could forget.
And while I feel myself fully letting go of what was, I yearn for what will be.
And that happiness comes from what is now.
No, I don't do the whole rebound thing.
But I watch television shows with genuine guys I adore. With Number 24 way back last year, what got me over him was watching the first season of True Blood. And I saw how genuine Bill was, and how much he loved Sookie, and I realized that it was good riddance with Number 24. I wanted a guy like Bill. (Granted, this was season one. I have been Team Eric for a while now, thank you very much.)
And while I didn't find Bill in Goatboy, I found what I was looking for in that moment, and I didn't even realize it until we started dating.
And now, the thing getting me over Goatboy isn't Finn from Glee or Parker from Drop Dead Diva as I expected, but rather Professor Snape. From Harry Potter. No. I'm not kidding. It's probably the slew of talented authors over on Fanfiction.net that capture his character, make him such a well-rounded character that you'd be crazy not to fall in love with him.
Goatboy was everything I needed in those nine months we spent together, but now, I'm hoping for someone like Professor Snape. In all honesty, I probably won't find someone like the Potions Master. But I trust the universe to give me exactly what I need when I need it even (especially) if I, myself, don't know just what that is.
But hopefully, the universe will throw in that silky, seductive Alan Rickman voice when choosing my next romantic entanglement as icing on the cake.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Tarot Cards and other hobbies
I used to think that writing was my hobby. But I'm hoping to turn it into my career.
So what do I do about hobbies? While listening to music, going to movies, dancing, working out, and hanging out with friends may seem like hobbies, I believe they're more related to our desire as humans to socialize and communicate.
A hobby is something we do to occupy time, something we like but don't necessarily need to make money off of but still makes us happy nonetheless.
I used to think writing was my hobby. But really, it's a passion. I have to write. I don't have a choice in the matter.
But my hobby? I like to read tarot cards. Some people believe in them, others think they're tools to communicate with the devil. Many people are placed down the middle in this particular spectrum. Personally, I do believe what they have to say but I also realize that the future isn't set in stone, and that I'm able to change it.
Which makes tarot cards so cool. They offer guidance and help, explain karmic lessons you might need to learn, or reassure you that while it's bleak and hard now, it'll get better soon. They tell you things, whether you want to hear them or not, and explain how to overcome the difficulty, or that someone's talking bad about you, or bad news is coming.
But they also reassure you in that you can always turn a bad card over. Really, your destiny is up to you.
I like their symbology, learning about what they mean and how to interpret them in different situations. But more than anything, I like that I can go them at any time, night or day, and they'll help me out.
Which says a lot more than many other hobbies out there.
So what do I do about hobbies? While listening to music, going to movies, dancing, working out, and hanging out with friends may seem like hobbies, I believe they're more related to our desire as humans to socialize and communicate.
A hobby is something we do to occupy time, something we like but don't necessarily need to make money off of but still makes us happy nonetheless.
I used to think writing was my hobby. But really, it's a passion. I have to write. I don't have a choice in the matter.
But my hobby? I like to read tarot cards. Some people believe in them, others think they're tools to communicate with the devil. Many people are placed down the middle in this particular spectrum. Personally, I do believe what they have to say but I also realize that the future isn't set in stone, and that I'm able to change it.
Which makes tarot cards so cool. They offer guidance and help, explain karmic lessons you might need to learn, or reassure you that while it's bleak and hard now, it'll get better soon. They tell you things, whether you want to hear them or not, and explain how to overcome the difficulty, or that someone's talking bad about you, or bad news is coming.
But they also reassure you in that you can always turn a bad card over. Really, your destiny is up to you.
I like their symbology, learning about what they mean and how to interpret them in different situations. But more than anything, I like that I can go them at any time, night or day, and they'll help me out.
Which says a lot more than many other hobbies out there.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Saturday's Breakdown
What I'm reading: Size 14 is Not Fat Either by Meg Cabot and The Girl in the Steel Corset by Kady Cross
What I'm Listening To: Bad Meets Evil and Angels & Airwaves
What I'm Watching: Married... with Children Season 8 (on DVD)
What I'm Writing: As of yet, untitled pirate mythology story - just started Chapter 22 (YA)
What I'm Interested in Right Now: Working out
What I'm Listening To: Bad Meets Evil and Angels & Airwaves
What I'm Watching: Married... with Children Season 8 (on DVD)
What I'm Writing: As of yet, untitled pirate mythology story - just started Chapter 22 (YA)
What I'm Interested in Right Now: Working out
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Letting Go and Starting Over
I've had one hell of a time these past few months.
In April, Goatboy and I decided that it would probably be best if we stopped seeing each other. Totally mutual and we said we'd still be friends. (You know, after we get over each other, because it's hard to care about your friend romantically.) At around the same time, my best friend in the world and I started growing apart. I don't know why but I promised that this year, I'd start standing up for myself. And perhaps that's one of the reasons she started to pull away and align herself with someone else.
It doesn't matter though.
I've always believed that the little things matter more than the big things. Whether it comes to guys or friends, sometimes it's best - no matter how hard it is - to let them go. Maybe the timing is wrong and you'll meet back up in the future where it'll be better to be friends or lovers (both?). Maybe this is the only time you'll encounter them but your life will never be the same because of them. Maybe you're the lesson they need to learn (I HATE that!).
Whatever they are to you, sometimes it's best to let them go.
And it's hard. Trust me. Breaking up with your boyfriend and best friend around the same time is one of the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. But I've learned that I will accept nothing less than what I deserve, whether from a guy or from friends. It's made me feel more mature, more adult (eek!), and I like myself. I'm proud of myself. I admire myself.
And that's how I know that it's the right thing.
What gets me through it are two different quotes: God never gives you more than you can handle and If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it was meant to be and if it doesn't, it was never really yours in the first place.
And this has also made me appreciate those people that are practically permanent fixtures in my life: my mother, my brother, and my friend Mrs. Wolverine (because she's super in love with Hugh Jackman, but then again, who isn't?).
More than that, letting go of things - shedding my cocoon so to speak - makes me excited to start over. I start at a new school in late September. I'm going to Comic Con. My friend from Germany is coming to stay with me for a week. I'm going to Disneyland. I'm going to the fair. Hockey season starts.
But I have to get through these next couple of weeks.
It's going to be hard. Little things will remind me of both of them and then I'll miss them and wish they were still in my life. But if they wanted to be here, they'd find a way to be here. And if they don't, they're not worth it. And because I've realized personally how short life is, I know I should only interact with people who deserve to be in my life. Anything else is a waste of time.
Life shouldn't be about suffering. Yes, there will be pain and hardship. But it's about dancing in the rain. And everyone knows how much I love doing that. :)
And what I'm going through now will make me the beautiful butterfly I'm destined to be.
So bring on the pain and tears and suffering. I'm a strong girl - stronger than I give myself credit for. I'll survive. I always do.
In April, Goatboy and I decided that it would probably be best if we stopped seeing each other. Totally mutual and we said we'd still be friends. (You know, after we get over each other, because it's hard to care about your friend romantically.) At around the same time, my best friend in the world and I started growing apart. I don't know why but I promised that this year, I'd start standing up for myself. And perhaps that's one of the reasons she started to pull away and align herself with someone else.
It doesn't matter though.
I've always believed that the little things matter more than the big things. Whether it comes to guys or friends, sometimes it's best - no matter how hard it is - to let them go. Maybe the timing is wrong and you'll meet back up in the future where it'll be better to be friends or lovers (both?). Maybe this is the only time you'll encounter them but your life will never be the same because of them. Maybe you're the lesson they need to learn (I HATE that!).
Whatever they are to you, sometimes it's best to let them go.
And it's hard. Trust me. Breaking up with your boyfriend and best friend around the same time is one of the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with. But I've learned that I will accept nothing less than what I deserve, whether from a guy or from friends. It's made me feel more mature, more adult (eek!), and I like myself. I'm proud of myself. I admire myself.
And that's how I know that it's the right thing.
What gets me through it are two different quotes: God never gives you more than you can handle and If you love something, set it free; if it comes back to you, it was meant to be and if it doesn't, it was never really yours in the first place.
And this has also made me appreciate those people that are practically permanent fixtures in my life: my mother, my brother, and my friend Mrs. Wolverine (because she's super in love with Hugh Jackman, but then again, who isn't?).
More than that, letting go of things - shedding my cocoon so to speak - makes me excited to start over. I start at a new school in late September. I'm going to Comic Con. My friend from Germany is coming to stay with me for a week. I'm going to Disneyland. I'm going to the fair. Hockey season starts.
But I have to get through these next couple of weeks.
It's going to be hard. Little things will remind me of both of them and then I'll miss them and wish they were still in my life. But if they wanted to be here, they'd find a way to be here. And if they don't, they're not worth it. And because I've realized personally how short life is, I know I should only interact with people who deserve to be in my life. Anything else is a waste of time.
Life shouldn't be about suffering. Yes, there will be pain and hardship. But it's about dancing in the rain. And everyone knows how much I love doing that. :)
And what I'm going through now will make me the beautiful butterfly I'm destined to be.
So bring on the pain and tears and suffering. I'm a strong girl - stronger than I give myself credit for. I'll survive. I always do.
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