Valentine's Day

Yes, I'm a day late.  But do you know why?  I was actually really busy yesterday!

I've always been somewhat indifferent to Valentin'es Day only because it was a rare occurence when I actually had a boyfriend during that time (and said ex would ruin the magic by buying his gifts for me right in front of me after asking if this was what I wanted...).  But I'm not one of those people who hate Valentine's Day or is bitter because it's just a reminder to all us single people we're still single.  I don't particularly care because I don't mind being single.  Most of the time.

Valentine's Day, nevertheless, has always been special to me because it is the holiday I used to share with my Papa.  I mean, we celebrated all holidays together, but this one was special.  Every Valentine's Day, we always exchanged Valentines, and we were always each other's Valentine.  I remember he would buy a whole box of those cards and only end up using two - one for me and one for my brother.  Sometimes he would buy two boxes in order to make sure our genders weren't threatened one way or the other.  And he would always give us a five dollar bill in the Valentine.  I thought I was the coolest kid on the block.  On my end, I normally hand-made my Valentines for him, and after looking through my grandparents' things years later, I saw that they kept a lot of them.

We got Bingo when I was in  first grade, and you can tell by his unique name that I was creative even then.  Of course, after a couple of years, I was unsatisfied with simply just naming him.  Bingo had to have a birthday too.  So Papa told me I could pick any day, and that would be Bingo's birthday.  So I picked Valentine's Day, because it would make the holiday even more special than it already was for us.

When Papa was in the hospital, I went out of my way to make him the best Valentine ever - I drew a heart and wrote him a poem, and then I taped candy hearts on it that had messages I wanted him to read.  The one that went right in the center was 'You're my hero.'  And he kept those up too.  He died a week and a day later, and though we couldn't be together for our holiday, at least I got to send him my Valentine.

Even though Papa's gone, we're still each other's Valentine.  Simple as that.

But Valentine's isn't about loving someone else who also happens to be your partner.  Valentine's Day is about love in general.  My brother signed a Valentine card with all of our inside jokes in it, making me laugh at seven o'clock in the morning.  Mom and I ran errands and sang to Phil Collins and Rod Stewart.  I even visited my old park that Papa would take my to every weekend just so I could swing.  Yeah, I was the oldest person actually using the equipment, but I didn't care.  I took an online Administration of Justice quiz, and I think I kicked ass on it.  I read and I wrote.  And then me and my other Valentine, my best friend in the entire world, Jessie, went out for Tai food and then laughed our asses off at the movie Valentine's Day.  It was one of the best Valentine's Days I've had in a while because I felt loved and I felt special.

But I loved myself too.  I wanted to have fun, boy or no boy, so I did.  And it was one of the best nights of my life.

And when I got home to find the boy I liked commented on one of my Facebook pictures?  Well that, my friends, was just icing on an already delicious cake.

On being a Pussycat Doll

Okay, let's get one thing straight: I'm not officially a Pussycat Doll.  But I consider myself one.  Just like I consider myself a Cosmo girl.

But it's because I believe in what their message says: confidence in your career and your sexuality, and who you are as a person.  Being ambitious is actually a good thing.  Being sexy is not being slutty.  I could go on.

Anyways, the reason I'm talking about the Pussycat Dolls is because for the last thirty days, I have been doing their workout pretty religiously.  Okay, so to better understand it, I should probably explain the workout to you.  The workout is broken down into three different dances - Robin Antin is the creator and choreographer of the Pussycat Dolls, and she, along with four other girls, teach you the dance moves.  Then you "perform" the dance routines to songs such as "Don't Cha" and "Buttons."  This is preluded by a warm-up and followed by a cool-down.

Now, if you know me, I absolutely love to dance.  To be, dancing isn't exercising, it's expression.  It's freedom.  So I love it.  Plus, the moves are fun and sexy so it boosts my own confidence.

Many people have criticized the workout because the dances are really only thirty seconds, give or take, but this is great because it makes each workout (if you break it down by each dance) about twenty to thirty minutes.  At least I love it because it's not too long but it's not too short.

The most important thing, to me anyways, is the effect of the dancing not only on my body but on my mind and my spirit.  Thirty days have gone by and I already notice a difference, especially concerning my legs and arms.  But that's not why I'm doing this (though I do want a Kathy Griffin rockin' bikini bod by summer).  Well, that's a lie.  I do want to tone my body.  But feeling the effects of dancing has me doing it for other reasons as well.

Interestingly enough, working out makes me eat healthier.  After working out, I grab a bowl of fruit, not a cookie.  I'm just not in the mood for anything heavy and sugary, you know?  Not when I busted my booty.  Now, that's not to say I'm a crazy health nut.  I'm not.  I still eat cookies and croissants, but not as much as I used to.

The most important thing though?  I love myself.  Not that I never did.  I guess what I'm saying is that I appreciate myself more because I'm working hard for it.  When I look in the mirror, I see the elements of my hard work, not what I have to work on.  (Though I do have those days, just like anybody.)  And I'm much more confident in my body which makes me more confident with who I am as a person.

Being a Pussycat Doll is empowering.  And I love it.  I love me.  And not to be arrogant, but some guys... I think they love me too.  

One little word

Okay, I'm going to be honest.  Before something happened to me today, I truly believed that one word was just too simple.  How could one word be so entirely powerful?  Even marriage promises are two - "I do" - (unless, of course, if you want to pirate it up and use "Yargh").

But I digress.

I'm only twenty years old so I don't have too much life experience.

However, I must admit that this particular word completely knocked me off my feet.  Of course, the circumstance must be very particular - the speaker of the word, how this person says it, the history of the two of you; the list goes on.  And the circumstance which it was uttered, at least for me, was very particular, and worked out in my benefit.  Very much.  I have no idea if it means anything, really.  Who's to say?  But it still makes me feel good just thinking about it.

The word?  It wasn't love or fuck nor was it amen or hallelujah.  It wasn't a yes or a no.  It wasn't a maybe or a like.

It was hello.

Do you really know what the word hello means?  It means 'I notice you and I want you to know that I want to acknowledge you.'  If someone you don't know (especially a cute, really tall basketball player) tells you hello, you should realize just how lucky you are.  In that one instance, you're special.

Now, I finally get why Renee Zellweger said and Beyonce sang, "You had me at hello."  I get it now.

And hopefully, more hellos will follow.  :)  

A particular sort of life experience

Okay, so for those of you who don't know me, I am highly attracted to older men.  Like, seriously.  It's strange and off-kilter but it never really bothered me all that much.

But I have a surprise for all of you.

The guy that I am crushing on right now (Can a twenty year old 'crush' on someone?) is a year younger than me.  Right.  I know.  (And no, he is not cute guy in my math class who looks like Aaron Eckhart.)  Let me give you a little time to digest that for a moment.

Okay.  Are you good?

Let's get on with it then.  Anyways, I went to the homecoming game which was last Wednesday (homecoming game being basketball, not football) on some whim.  Thank you intuition.  And a lot of the players are in my criminal justice classes because the coach is friends with my professor and tells his players to take the classes because they're easy.  And they are.  But that's beside the point.

And I recognized this guy from my class, and there was this immediate attraction to him.  When he played, I could not take my eyes off of him.  He was like this bright, burning flame and I was this moth, hopeless from the moment that my eyes caught sight of him. 

Now, I'm a complete wreck.  In the best sort of way.  You know how when you're in middle school and you have a crush on the jock while you're the shy artistic nerd and he suddenly becomes the sun to your earth - you completely revolve around him?  Yeah, that's me but at a college level.  I mean, time goes fast when he's around and slow when he's not, but he's not my entire life.  He's more like the moon to my earth.  I think about him a lot, but only at certain points in time because I have a life besides him, and my life doesn't feel over when he's not there because I know I'll see him eventually.

I have no idea if he even knows I'm alive.  I mean, I think he's glanced over at me a couple of times, but I can't exactly tell at a basketball game.  And I would talk to him except he sits on the right side of the room in class while I'm in the middle.  Hell, I don't even know if he even knows my name.

But since I've matured (shocking but true), I've learned that I need to live in the now, and who knows if anything will happen between us?  But it makes me feel good while I'm here so I had better enjoy it.  It's been nearly two years since my last relationship, and I'm at the point where I do want a new, fresh, healthy relationship.  If it lasts a day or a year, it doesn't matter.  I just want to fall for a little while.

And though I'm keeping my options open, I'm hoping it will be with this guy just because it'll be new, different, and exciting.

And one hell of a life experience.